Hope

I've had 12 ECTs now. This week we're tapering down to two a week. I have an appointment on Wednesday to talk with one of the ECT psychiatrists, Dr. Allen, to talk more about what tapering off looks like for me, what maintenance will look like. I guess the big question those interested want answered is is it working? To that I give a resounding yes! It is working! The biggest thing I feel is hope. I haven't felt hopeful in years, so this is huge. I feel hope for further recovery and for a better quality of life. I used to truly believe that the depressed life was it, that things would never look up and could never get better. But now I believe there can be better days. I have felt a day touched by hope and it feels good. It's still going to take a lot of work, probably for the rest of my life, but now that I know how to get there and what it can feel like, I'm willing to keep working at it. My life feels valuable to me right now and that's such a change from the past. I have fought long and hard and I am coming out on top and I will beat this monster. I didn't think I could, I didn't think I would, I thought I had tried everything there is to try. ECT was my last hope. I remember being so scared that it wasnt going to work. It had to work. I remember that desperation. I realize it isn't a end all cure all thing, like I said it's still going to take a lot of work. But it's pushing me out of the rut I'd been in for so long so that I can work at moving forward. It's given me hope back. Now I have to learn what to do with that hope. It's going to take some time, but I'll get there. I've had an amazing support system. Seriously, I couldn't ask for a more amazing set of people to surround myself with than what I've got. They lift me up and carry me when my legs don't want to work. They've taken me to all my appointments in Port Orchard and in Seattle, and have never once complained. I have felt so loved and needed. I know the greatest people. All in all I have to say things are looking up. Compared to where I was a couple months ago I wouldn't have even thought I could be in this place. But here I am. I guess anything really is possible.