Suicide Prevention: How To Help

Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)

Nothing is quite so tragic and heartbreaking as the feeling that your life no longer holds any worth, that you aren't worth fighting for. That the pain is so unbearable, death feels like the only way out.

When someone confides in you that they're feeling suicidal, or have had thoughts of suicide, it naturally can be unsettling and scary. You may not know how to act, or what to say, or wonder if you should say anything at all. You should. Taking action is always the best choice. It doesn't have to be so scary. This post takes on the subject of suicide; understanding, common misconceptions, warning signs, prevention, and risk factors. I really hope it helps bring understanding on a subject that has been taboo for far too long. It's time to bring light and knowledge to the subject. The problem is real and the pain is real. And it needs to be talked about right now.

● Understanding

If you've never been in the deep sorrow of suicidal depression and despair, suicide is difficult to understand. The suicidal person is in so much pain they see no other option or way out than by ending their life. Suicide becomes a desperate attempt to escape the pain and suffering that has become unbearable to them. When the feelings of self-loathing, isolation, and hopelessness become too great, it's hard to see any way of finding relief except through death. However, even if all they want is the pain to end, most suicidal people are deeply conflicted about ending their own lives. They wish there was an alternative, but are unable to see one.

● Common Misconceptions About Suicidal People

Unfortunately suicide and people wanting to commit suicide are so misunderstood. There's A LOT, too many actually, misconceptions about the subject. Here are the most common:

People who talk about suicide won't really do it. Almost everyone who commits or attempts suicide has given some kind of warning. Do not ignore suicidal threats.

People who attempt suicide must be crazy. Most suicidal people are not psychotic or insane. They're upset, grief-stricken, or depressed. But it's also important to remember that extreme distress and emotional pain are not necessarily signs of mental illness.

If someone is determined to kill themselves, nothing will stop them. Like I mentioned earlier, even the most severely depressed person has mixed feelings about death, wavering until the very last moment between wanting to live and wanting to die. Most suicidal people do not want death, they want the pain to stop.

Those who have successfully committed suicide were unwilling to get help. Studies on suicide have shown that in over half of successful suicides, the person sought help in the six months before their death.

Talking about suicide will give the person the idea. You don't give a suicidal person morbid ideas by talking about suicide. Actually the opposite is true. Bringing up the subject of suicide and discussing it openly is one of the most helpful things you can do.

*Remember that suicide is no respecter of persons. It doesn't care if you're rich or poor, black or white. The feelings leading up to suicide affect everyone and anyone equally.

● Warning Signs

Most suicidal people give warning signs or signals of their intentions. The best way to prevent suicide is to recognize these warning signs and know how to respond if you see them. The following is a list of the more common suicide warning signs.

*Talking about killing or harming oneself
*Talking or writing about death/dying
*Seeking out things that can be used in a suicide attempt
*Hopelessness- unbearable feelings, seeing a bleak future, having nothing to look forward to
*Dramatic mood swings
*Sudden personality changes
*Losing all interest in day to day activities
*Neglecting personal appearance
*Drastic changes in eating and sleeping habits
*Withdrawing or wanting to be alone
*Increase in alcohol or drug use
*Risky and self-destructive acts
*Giving away belongings
*Getting affairs in order when there is no logical reason to do so
*Saying goodbye to people like you won't see them again

● Prevention

Speak up if you're worried! You can't make a person suicidal by showing that you care. What you can do is provide relief from loneliness and pent up negative feelings.

Here are some ways to start a conversation:
"I have been feeling concerned about you lately."
"I have noticed some differences in you recently and wondered how you are doing."
"I wanted to check in with you because you haven’t seemed yourself lately."

Here are some questions you can ask:
"When did you begin feeling like this?"
"Did something happen that made you start feeling this way?"
"How can I best support you right now?"
"Have you thought about getting help?"

And here are some things you can say that help:
"You are not alone in this. I’m here for you."
"You may not believe it now, but the way you’re feeling will change."
"I may not be able to understand exactly how you feel, but I care about you and want to help."
"When you want to give up, tell yourself you will hold off for just one more day, hour, minute - whatever you can manage."

It's also good to have a list in your head of Dos and Don'ts when talking to a suicidal person.

Do:
*Be yourself. Let the person know you care and that they are not alone. The right words are often unimportant. If you are concerned, your voice and actions will show it.
*Listen. Let the suicidal person unload despair and ventilate anger. No matter how negative the conversation seems, the fact that it even exists is a positive sign.
*Be sympathetic, non-judgmental, patient, calm, and accepting. Your loved one is doing the right thing by talking about their feelings.
*Offer hope. Reassure the person that help is available and that the suicidal feelings are temporary. Let the person know that their life is important to you.
*If the person says things like, “I’m so depressed, I can’t go on,” ask the question: “Are you having thoughts of suicide?” You are not putting ideas in their head. You are showing that you are concerned and that you take them seriously and that it’s okay for them to share their pain with you.

Don’t:
*Argue with the suicidal person. Avoid saying things like: "You have so much to live for," "Your suicide will hurt your family," or “Look on the bright side.”
*Act shocked, lecture on the value of life, or say that suicide is wrong.
*Promise confidentiality. Refuse to be sworn to secrecy. A life is at stake and you may need to speak to a mental health professional in order to keep the suicidal person safe. If you promise to keep your discussions secret, you may have to break your word.
*Offer ways to fix their problems, or give advice, or make them feel like they have to justify their suicidal feelings. It is not about how bad the problem is, it's about how badly it’s hurting your loved one.

Respond quickly in a crisis. If a loved one tells you they are thinking about death or suicide, it's important to evaluate the immediate danger the person is in. Those at the highest risk for committing suicide in the near future have a specific suicide plan, the means to carry out the plan, a time set for doing it, and an intention to do it. Ask questions to assess the immediate danger. These are good questions to ask:

"Do you have a suicide plan?" (plan)
"Do you have what you need to carry out your plan (pills, gun, etc.)?" (means)
"Do you know when you would do it?" (time set)
"Do you intend to commit suicide?"(intention)

Take all suicidal comments very seriously. Try not to act shocked. The person is already highly distressed, and if you are shocked by what is said, the person will become more distressed. Stay calm, and talk with them in a matter-of-fact manner, but get help immediately. Do not handle the situation by yourself. If you feel the suicide is imminent, or are just plain worried, call 911.

Listen attentively to everything that the person has to say. Let them talk as much as they want. Listen closely so that you can be as supportive as possible, and learn as much as possible about what is causing the suicidal feelings. Comfort with words of encouragement. Use common sense to offer words of support. Remember that intense emotional pain can be overwhelming, so be as gentle and caring as possible. Listen carefully and offer encouraging words when appropriate. Let the person know that you are deeply concerned. Tell them you are concerned, and show them that you are concerned. A suicidal person is highly vulnerable and needs to feel that concern. Don't be judgmental. Do not invalidate anything that the person says or feels. Be supportive and caring. Be careful of the statements that you make. You do not want to make the person feel any worse than they already do. I think the commom thread here is listen, listen, listen! Be gentle, be kind, and be understanding. Let the person express emotion in the way that they want. Allow the person to cry, yell, swear and do what is necessary to release the emotion. However, do not allow the person to become violent or harm themselves. If the person is at a high risk of suicide, DO NOT leave them alone. Do not leave a critically suicidal person alone for even a second. Only after you get professional help for the person can you consider leaving.

Offer help and support. Once again, the best thing you can do is offer an empathetic and listening ear.

Help your loved one get professional help. Do everything in your power to get a suicidal person the help they need. Call a crisis line for advice and referrals. Encourage the person to see a mental health professional, help locate a treatment facility, or take them to a doctor's appointment. Then know and follow-up on their treatment. If the doctor prescribes medication, make sure your loved one takes it as directed. Be aware of possible side effects and be sure to notify the physician if the person seems to be getting worse. It often takes time and persistence to find the medication or therapy that’s right for a particular person.

Be proactive. Those contemplating suicide often don't believe they can be helped, so you may have to be more proactive at offering assistance. Saying, “Call me if you need anything” is too vague. Don’t wait for the person to call you or even to return your calls. Drop by, call again, invite the person out.

Make a safety plan. Help the person develop a set of steps that they promise to follow during a suicidal crisis. It should also identify any triggers that may lead to a crisis. Also include contact numbers for the person's doctor or therapist, as well as friends and family members who will help in an emergency.

Remove potential means of suicide, such as pills, knives, razors, or firearms.

Continue your support over the long haul. Even after the immediate suicidal crisis has passed, stay in touch with the person. Your support is vital to ensure your loved one remains on the recovery track.

Be aware of feelings. Many people at some time in their lives think about suicide. Many decide to live. However people having a crisis sometimes perceive their dilemma as inescapable and feel a complete loss of control. These are some of the feelings and thoughts they experience:

Can't stop the pain
Can't think clearly
Can't make decisions
Can't see any way out
Can't sleep, eat or work
Can't get out of depression
Can't make the sadness go away
Can't see a future without pain
Can't see themselves as worthwhile
Can't get someone's attention
Can't seem to get control

If your loved one is experiencing any of these feelings, help them get help!

● Risk Factors

According to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, at least 90% of all people who commit suicide suffer at least one mental disorder.

Depression in particular plays a large role in suicide. The difficulty suicidal people have imagining a solution to their suffering is due in part to the distorted thinking caused by depression.

Common suicide risk factors include:

Mental illness
Alcoholism or drug abuse
Previous suicide attempts
Family history of suicide
Terminal illness or chronic pain
Recent loss or stressful life event
Social isolation and loneliness
History of trauma or abuse

● Hope~

I know what it's like to feel and be suicidal. I know how scary and hopeless you feel. I know how heartbreaking it is to feel so utterly alone and defeated that all you want is to die. I know. I've been there. Many, many days I still am there. I know how bad it hurts. I also know how grateful I am for those people who have stuck by my side through it all. I understand how precious these beings are. Be that being. You can help save a life. If you're struggling with suicidal thoughts or actions, or even if you're not, know that I am here for you. Know that you are loved. You are worthwhile. You are worth every ounce of the fight. You are not alone. You can and you will survive. The feelings will pass. The sun will come out again. This I know. I love you, I care for you, and I need you. You are worth it.

Getting To Know You

Remember when these were all the rage on Facebook several years ago? They were fun. I still enjoy these silly little "getting to know you" things. So here's one now. A little break from the heavier content of the blog. Getting to know me! :-) Enjoy.

Would you rather...

Watch Star Wars or Star Trek?
Star Trek

Read on a Kindle or paperback book?
paperback book

Go to a play or musical?
musical

Go to the theater or a movie?
theater

Hike or bike?
hike

Wear jeans or chinos?
I don't know what chinos are. Hahaha. So jeans.

Have a Margarita or Pina Colada?
Pina Colada

Drink a glass of Guinness or Fat Tire?
I don't know what a Fat Tire is, but I don't like beer, so I'll say a Fat Tire.

Crash with friends or stay in a hotel?
hotel

Visit Europe or Mexico?
Europe

Vacation in Hawaii or Alaska?
Alaska

Go skiing or snowshoeing?
sledding!

Travel by plane, train, or automobile?
plane

Enjoy a houseboat or speed boat?
speed boat

Go climbing or zip lining?
zip lining

Go to a comedy club or dance club?
comedy club

Have a night out or evening in?
evening in

Watch TV or read a book?
watch TV

Go canoeing or waterskiing?
canoeing

Camp in an RV or stay in a tent?
stay in a tent

Use Facebook or Twitter?
Facebook

Choose a free trip or money?
free trip... with money? ;-)

Win the lottery or find your perfect job?
win the lottery

Swim in a pool or the ocean?
ocean

Travel by sailboat or cruise ship?
sailboat

Watch sports or play sports?
play sports

Play dodgeball or kickball?
kickball

Randoms...

Who would you want with you if you were stranded on a deserted island?
Mr. Purrington

If you could do anything you wanted right now, what would it be?
Go to the ocean.

If money was no object, what would you do all day?
paint

Where do you most want to travel, but have never been?
Ireland

What is your favorite memory?
Seattle Pride 2014

Who is your favorite author?
Lemony Snicket

What is your favorite book?
Ender's Game

What was your favorite activity in gym class?
bowling

What has been your biggest challenge?
depression

What is your biggest success up until now?
moving to Washington

What does your perfect day look like?
A day at the ocean

University or life experience, which do you feel best prepares you for life?
life experience

What is the one thing that should be taught in school that isn’t already?
compassion

If you were to create a piece of art, what would the subject be?
the ocean

What one thing would you change if you had to do it over?
Not let myself be walked all over.

If you could go back in time, what year would you travel to?
1793

What does your life say about you?
I have a lot of strength and courage

How would your friends describe you?
funny, kind, creative

What To Say And Not To Say To Someone Struggling With Depression

My last couple of posts have been dealing with things to DO and things NOT TO DO when helping someone suffering from depression. Now I want to talk briefly on thing to SAY and things NOT TO SAY to someone who struggles with depression.

Helpful things to say to someone with depression:

*I'm here for you

*You're not alone

*This is not your fault

*I'll go with you

*What can I do for you?

*What kind of thoughts are you having?

*I'm not going to leave you

*I believe in you

*You're right, this sucks

*What do you think will help you?

*Give validation

*Nothing at all... ~
"I suspect that the most basic and powerful way to connect to another person is to listen. Just listen. Perhaps the most important thing we ever give each other is our attention. And especially if it’s given from the heart. When people are talking, there’s no need to do anything but receive them. Just take them in. Listen to what they’re saying. Care about it. Most times caring about it is even more important than understanding it."
Rachel Naomi Remen

Unhelpful things not to say to someone suffering from depression:

*What's your problem

*There are a lot of people far worse off than you

*It's all in your head

*Snap out of it

*No one ever said life was fair

*Happiness is a choice

*Cheer up

*Have you been praying/attending church etc etc

*I know how you feel

*You have so much to be thankful for

*You're being dramatic

*It's pms (do not even!)

It's hard to know the right thing to say all the time. Maybe there isn't a right thing and that's why it's so hard to know what to say. But hopefully this list helps a little and puts some ideas into your head of what is helpful to say to someone with depression. And some things to avoid saying as well. I'd say follow your heart. If it feels right, say it. If it doesnt, even if you think it'd be good and helpful, don't. It may not be what your loved one needs to hear at that time. Remove personal bias and go with your gut. And remember no communication is as harmful as bad communication. If you're not sure what to say, ask! That's ok to do! I've said before most people know what they need to do to help themselves. So more than likely they'll be able to tell you what you can do to help or what is helpful to hear. Just ask. Don't be afraid. And please, if all else fails, say nothing at all and just listen. Just be there. The good that can do is unmatched in today's world. Being there and being a true friend can go farther than any right or wrong thing to say or do. I promise.

Things NOT To Do When Helping A Loved One Who Is Suffering From Depression

My last post dealt with things you can do to help a loved one who is struggling with depression. Since everything has an opposite, this post deals with things NOT to do when helping a loved one suffering from depression.

*Don't expect to fix their depression. More often than not your loved one will know what they need to do, or not do, to feel better. What they need is to be heard, to be listened to and supported. You can spout advice all you want, but you may end up feeling your loved one is rejecting or ignoring you when they don't follow it. Depression isn't a machine. Your loved one didn't break. Humans don't break, they bend and sometimes that hurts, but we aren't cold, lifeless machines that need fixing. Please don't think you can fix what isn't broken.

*Don't ignore the problem. Pretending the depression doesn't exist isn't helpful at all. It doesn't serve to shun, ignore, or hide your loved ones depression. All that will do is cause the one hurting to feel shame and embarrassment. Please please please don't pretend nothing is happening, no matter how it makes you feel. The depression isn't about you, and your loved one needs you.

*Don't give up too soon. Depression treatment and recovery takes time. Give it the time it necessary. Often your loved one will need to hear they're loved and worth fighting for several times from different sources before they'll begin to believe what they hear is true. Keep fighting for them.

*Don't break confidences. Having someone open up to you about their struggle with depression is a big deal. If you're someone who had been trusted with this information, take that as the highest compliment. And with that keep your loved ones trust. Unless it is for their own safety, which is important above all, do not break the confidence of one who finds trusting anyone so very difficult.

*Don't judge or criticize. Believe me when I say your loved one is judging and criticizing themselves enough for twenty people. They're not choosing to be depressed, and what they need is unconditional support and love from you.

*Avoid the tough love approach. For some reason, some people seem to think showing tough love will inspire positive behavioral changes or simply undo the depression all together. This is useless, hurtful, and harmful.

*Don't minimize their pain. By minimizing what your loved one is going through, all you're doing is causing them to feel shame. It invalidates what they’re experiencing and completely glosses over the fact that they’re struggling with a difficult disorder, not some weakness or personality flaw.

*Avoid offering advice. Instead ask what you can do to help. Sometimes it may be true that your loved one needs guidance, however unsolicited advice often leaves them feeling insulted or inadequate and can cause them to detach from you.

*Avoid making comparisons. Unless you’ve experienced a depressive episode yourself, saying you know how your loved one feels is not helpful. While your intention may be to help your loved one feel less alone, this can cut your conversation right off.

I hope this list is helpful in learning about some actions to avoid while helping someone you love deal with their depression. No one is perfect and so often we kind of fly by the seat of our pants anyway, but educating yourself is so very important when dealing with depression. At least then when the opportunity rises to help someone, you can pull from the concrete knowledge you've gained instead of scrambling to know what to do or say. Remember, like I said in the last post- knowledge is power and understanding!

Things You Can Do To Help A Loved One Who Is Suffering From Depression

Your loved one is hurting. You want to take it all away; you want to heal them so there is no more hurt. How I wish it were that easy. There are things you can do, however, helpful things that work. This post deals with what you can do, steps you can take, to help a loved one suffering from depression.

*Learn about depression. The internet is full of websites about depression: its causes, its symptoms, treatments, recovery, what you can do, and on and on. Educate yourself. Knowledge is power and understanding. I remember when my Grandpa Hinkson found out I had depression, about 14 years ago, the first thing he did was research and learn more about the illness. Then he told me about what he'd learned. It was the nicest thing he could have done at the time and I'll always appreciate his willingness and his efforts to learn.

*Remember that depression is a serious illness that can drain someone of all optimism, motivation, and energy. Practice patience.

*Depression can't be "snapped out of". Please don't even say that or suggest that. Force of will so often has little to do with depression recovery.

*It's so important, when you want to help your loved one who is suffering, to remember that the symptoms of depression aren’t personal. Depression makes it difficult for a person to connect with anyone on a deeply emotional level, even the people they love most. A vague answer or an empty glance away does not mean your loved one doesn't want, or need, your help. Keep going, your help is both wanted and needed.

*Encourage your loved one to talk about their feelings. Then listen without judgement. Being a kind, compassionate listener is far more important than giving advice.

*People suffering from depression tend to withdraw from others, so you'll have to know that a single conversation about their depression is not the end of it. You might have to talk about your concerns and share your willingness to listen many times. Be gentle, but be persistent.

*Starting a conversation can be the hardest part. Maybe you can start by saying something like: "I've been concerned about you." "You seem down lately." Or, "You've been acting differently, are you okay?" A kind, compassionate inquiry into how someone is feeling can go a long ways.

*If you don't know how to help, it's ok to say that. You can always ask what you can do. More often than not what the person with depression needs is just a listening ear, encouraging words, and hope for the future, rather than being overloaded with often unnecessary advice.

*You can't control someone's recovery from depression, but you can help with their treatment. Encourage your loved one to seek help. Remember that depression zaps both motivation and the feeling that things will ever improve, so treatment may be met with resistance.  Encourage anyway.

*Help your loved one seek help for depression by suggesting they see a  general practitioner first, not a psychiatrist. This may help rule out medical causes for depression. The GP can often give referrals to a psychiatrist or other places to go about receiving further treatment for depression.

*Offer to help your loved one find a doctor or therapist. If you can, go with them for their first, visit. I had a friend in Salt Lake City go with me the first time I saw a new therapist. He sat in the waiting room and did homework. And it was perfect. It was the kindest thing he could have done to help at that time. And along these lines, if your loved one is not functioning, go with them to treatment until normal function returns.

*Help your loved one make an all inclusive list of symptoms to take with them to the doctor.

*Know about their appointments and treatment plan and ensure they keep their appointments and stay on schedule with their plan.

*Help to create a low-stress environment. It can be very challenging while you are depressed to become organized and develop and maintain a routine. Ask if you can help with very specific tasks.

*Keep all expectations realistic. Even if things seem slow, keeping expectations realistic will help make them manageable and meetable, thus helping to bring about the feeling of success.

*Be patient. Even with proper treatment, recovery from depression doesn't happen overnight. Encourage your loved one to stick with their treatment, even if it isn't working right away. Treatment for depression takes time.

*Encourage your loved one. Sometimes just getting out of bed is a huge accomplishment. Say so.

*Learn about the signs of suicide and look for them in your loved one. They may include talking about suicide, being preoccupied with suicide, dying or violence, or increased risky behaviors. Understand that there is an increased risk of suicide among depressed people. Know that at some point, your loved one may or may not have suicidal thoughts.

*If you are concerned that suicide is a possibility, talk to your loved one. Then seek help. Call the suicide hotline: 1-800-273-8255, to talk with a trained counselor who can advise you on how best to help your suicidal loved one. Do NOT leave a suicidal person. Call 911 for any emergencies. I plan on doing a post dedicated solely to suicide in the future.

I hope this list helps in giving ideas about what you can do to help a loved one who is suffering from depression. Depression is no fun, and having someone who gives unconditional support and encouragement can literally save a life. Never doubt the good you do by just being there for someone in need. Your love and compassion can and will go farther than even you can imagine. You are doing a mighty work and someday someone will look back to their most difficult moments and think of you, and how you were there and how you helped in a desperate time of need. I can think of no greater joy than one day hearing, "you were there for me, and I am still here because of it."

This Too Shall Pass

It was almost 3 1/2 years ago. I was working in Short Stay Surgery at LDS Hospital in Salt Lake at the time. I hated that position. I've never felt so much like a ghost surrounded by people. I had been there about two months and the cliques weren't going to forgive for me for intruding. I was going through a particularly difficult time outside of work anyway, I was dealing with a lot of self harm and trying to get into a kind of therapy that was supposed to help with that. It wasn't a good time to be shunned and ignored by my coworkers as well.

One particularly bad day I was wandering around the cafeteria at lunch time trying to decide if I was going to eat anything. I was standing in line at the grill when one of the cafeteria workers, who'd I'd not seen before, came up to me and put his arm around me, and said whatever I was going through would pass. I was stunned. He said other things too, but all I could hear him say was how this would pass. After a minute or two he smiled and left. I think I might have smiled too. I got my lunch and went about my day, still shocked and thinking at what had happened in those few moments.

A couple days later I saw him in the cafeteria again. He smiled and asked how I was doing. I couldn't even help it I gave help it I gave him a great big hug right there and told him thank you and how much he'd helped me those few days ago. He was beaming.

Sometimes I think he was an angel. Somehow, in the midst of all those people, he saw me. He heard and he felt my heart. He was the only one. And he answered the call. That was one of the most precious moments of my life. You never know when someone is going to need you to hear them. I hope more than anything that this good man will always know the good his actions caused. And I hope I can always be open to others and replicate his love. You just never know the ripples your small act of kindness will bring.

To The Man Who Said Everything Would Be Okay:

You saw me when I was sure no one could.
You saw more than just another person in the crowd.
I wonder now what I looked like.
I know I was staring long into nothing.
Was my brow furrowed?
I know my eyes were sad.
And you.
You saw them.
No one has ever seen my eyes
And known they were sad.
You did.
And you came up to me
And said everything
Would be okay.
That whatever was happening in life
Would pass.
You smiled
Touched my arm and walked away.
And I returned back to the day.
Changed.
And somehow okay.
Because your heart heard my heart.
Thank you.

11/6/11

How Do I Cope? (without medication)

How do you cope without medication? I think we could answer this by removing the "without medication" part of that question. Seriously, how do you cope? Life can be so hard and there are 24 hours in a day. That's 8,760 hours in a year. That is A LOT of time to fill. How in the world do we do it and survive? Medication is unbelievably helpful, and when it is working maybe we don't need other strategies as much to help us through the day. But medication also takes about 30 seconds to put in your mouth and swallow. That's still 8,583 hours to fill each year. Eek.

There's lots of textbook answers.

One being exercise. I've noticed in later years that they're moving away from the term "exercise". I appreciate that. No one likes to exercise. ESPECIALLY when getting out of bed is too much to handle. The word I notice they're using is "moving". That's a lot better already. If you can move, you can help yourself. Take a walk up and down the stairs a few times. Good job. Go get your mail. Sweep your floor. Just move. It doesn't have to be a lot, just a little. There is so much study and correlation between simply moving and the dopamine levels in your brain.

Eat healthy. Sometimes I'm amazed at the difference this can make. When you don't feel good sometimes a vegetable tastes SO good. Our bodies and our minds are one. What you feed your physical body you also feed your mind. Take care of yourself. Especially when you're depressed.

Get some Vitamin D. Sometimes I just open my window and sit looking out. But get some sun in you. And if it's winter or simply bad weather, take some Vitamin D supplements. Invest in an ultraviolet lamp. My aunt gave me one years ago and it truly does make a difference. You don't even have to do anything, just flip a switch and sit where it's in your peripheral vision somewhere.

We could go on with some more, but I think we all know the textbook answers, that's why they're textbook. Here's some other ideas I have.

I learned something for my anxiety many years ago that really actually works. It's called ice dunking and you're supposed to do it with your face, and it's just what it sounds like. Get a big bowl of ice water and dunk your face into it! They say for 30 seconds, or as long as you can. I don't go full throttle on it though. For one, it's too much effort for me. And another is my intense fear of not being able to breathe. However I've adapted it to myself and simply get a couple of ice cubes and squeeze them in my hands for as long and hard as I can. If it's snowing go outside barefoot. All you're doing is rapidly changing your body temperature and slowing you down. I'm always surprised every time I do this and it works so well. It doesn't work with depression, as with depression you're already moving at a much slower than normal pace. But when the anxiety is high and attacks seem imminent, this actually is a good idea. Somebody please do full on face dunking and tell me what it's like. Thanks. :-)

I also make lists. A lot of them. I like to make pro/con lists. And one thing I've found helpful is to make a pro/con list of the opposite of what my original problem was. For example: Say my problem is having to clean the bathroom. So I make a pro/con list on cleaning the bathroom. Then I make another pro/con list on NOT cleaning the bathroom. Are there's pros to not cleaning the bathroom? Absolutely. I won't have to clean it the bathroom because that's gross. But there are also cons to not cleaning the bathroom. By doing this you can see your problem written out, with pros and cons of each and every side of the issue. It doesn't even have to be a physical dilemna. I've made pro/con lists about people I'm dating, or being angry at someone etc. It can be anything you want it to be.

I also make to do lists. Or my cousin taught me the three day to do list. So you don't get overwhelmed, don't go past three days. Things can wait. Make your list realistic. This one is hard for me still because I'm a perfectionist, in that I'm all or nothing. I clean my entire room, baseboards and all or I don't clean anything. It's extremely hard for me to let myself take it in small pieces. Ok, I'll take out the trash today, then I'll be done. If it's too much or too overwhelming you'll likely do none of it. So make a list, and cross things off as you go. It is true and I don't know why, but it sure feels good to cross things off a list!

I also have things I enjoy doing ready and handy. I have a DVD in the DVD player and the remotes on the stand by the chair all ready to go. Make it as easy for yourself as possible while you feel good. Your depressed self will thank you for it later. I have a Sudoku book with a pencil in it already on my table. I have a book I'm reading in the same spot. My art supplies are all out on my table and easily accessible. I've tried to keep things in either open boxes or clear containers so I can see easily and clearly what I have and what I can do. I keep my bed and my chair clear of clutter so I can simply just sit quickly if I need to. These are things I do to help myself distract my mind as quickly as possibly when I start to feel so horrible.

Don't ever underestimate the value of sleep. Sure there can be too much or too little, and if it's a chronic problem it needs to be looked at by a professional. But sleep, a nap, can also be a coping strategy. It's better to sleep it off and wake up somewhat anew than it is to be in crisis and make anxious decisions.

When I'm feeling depressed I like to remind myself of things I do like to do. Especially when I can't do them, because sometimes you just can't and sitting truly is your best option and the only thing you can do. I like to remind myself I like to paint. I like to look at pieces I've done and remember that when I feel better I can do that again even if I can't right now. I like to remind myself I love the water, even if I can't leave the house to go down to it. I can still love it. I remind myself I like to drink tea, even if making it is too much. Just remind yourself that there ARE things you enjoy and things you're good at. Because when you're in the depths of depression sometimes it's truly impossible to even remember that you like to do anything at all. And when you do feel better, do them. Make good memories and good associations with feeling well.

Please remember that you're never alone. There are times that none of these work. Depression has an amazing way of gripping you tightly by the neck and not letting your breathe. Please know you can ALWAYS, always call a crisis clinic. You don't have to be suicidal, you don't have to feel at life's end crisis. Even if it's 3:00 in the morning and you're crying in bed and need someone to talk to. They are there. The suicide hotline is 1-800-273-TALK (8255). They are there 24/7 to help you and they are really good at giving you a reason to go on. I keep the number stored in my phone. You should too.

You are worth it. You are loved. My heart bursts with love for my fellow beings. If you don't believe anything else, believe I love you. I know it's hard. I know it's painful. I believe in you. I believe in what you can do. You are the universe, and you are powerful and amazing. And mostly, you are loved.

When You Don't Have The Spirit

I was asked awhile ago about my take on religious stereotyping of mental illness. Here's another topic I could go on and on about for days. I grew up LDS, I've mentioned that before. So most of the religious influence I've had and will talk about is from the LDS Church, though I doubt other Christian religions believe too terribly differently.

When I was around 12 or 13 and had just entered the Young Womens program in church (for young girls ages 12 - 18) we had a lesson about having the Holy Spirit with you and how you can tell if you have the Spirit or not. The Holy Spirit is something all Mormons strive to have with them at all times, and is very sacred in Mormon culture. We received this popular handout that I'm sure is still used today.

Do you have any idea, as young, hormonal teenagers, how damaging it is to hear these things. You add on top of that young ladies suffering from depression and you're in for a world of confusion and misery. The very first indicator for not having the Spirit is "you feel unhappy, DEPRESSED, confused, and frustrated." This just simply isn't true, and how horrible to tell young people if they feel depressed, even frustrated, that they don't have God's Spirit with them. Not having the Spirit is equated to sinning in Mormon culture, and now simply feeling unhappy is equated to sin. It blows my mind. I think this is one of the huge problems of my parents in hiding my depression growing up, because for some messed up reason depression is equated to sinning. It reflected bad on me, and bad on them. Even though it is NOTHING to be ashamed of and most certainly does NOT reflect a sinful life, however objective a sinful life really is.

We can go down the list. * Being secretive and evasive. I don't know anyone, especially teens, who aren't secretive and evasive once in awhile. It's being a teen. * You don't want to pray. Even in my most religious of days I didn't like praying. My mind could never focus on having a conversation with an unseen being in my head for more than five seconds. I always struggled with prayer. I don't know how many times I fell asleep while saying my nightly prayer. It doesn't mean I wasn't doing all I could to be a good Mormon, just that it was something I struggled with. * You avoid people, especially family, and are critical of family and Church authority. Even without the depression factor, I don't see at all how avoiding people could be equated to lack of the Spirit. Some people, myself included, just prefer being alone. Being critical of Church authorities is an old Mormon trick for absolute control, blind faith if you will. If you tell others they can't criticize you and if they do they don't have the Spirit, well then no super God fearing Mormon is going to even think to be critical, or question at all Mormon authority at all for fear of being called a "sinner". * You get discouraged easily and wonder if life is worth it. Again, putting everyday, human emotions in the sinning category. That's not ok. * You find the commandments bothersome, restricing, or senseless. I don't see how this one is even on there. Most of the 10 commandments you do everyday just by trying to be a good human. I don't think being told not to lie or steal is restricing to any good human. * You don't want to go to church and want a different church job. First of all I can't believe they used the word job instead of calling. Job just has a negative connotation period. I could see how not wanting to go to church as a sign of not having the Spirit, because it's boring. And long. And you're constantly being told you're not good enough. Or maybe not wanting to go to church IS a sign if having the Spirit, because who wants to be told they're unworthy for three hours straight? * You don't think of the Savior often or see him as irrelevant and as a system working against you. When I was young in the Church, and starting to feel depressed, Jesus was all I relied on, because it's all I felt I could rely on for comfort and healing. I had "the Spirit" with me and I knew it. And yet everything kept working against me anyway. I had little to no family support, because of family callings in the church, I had little to no church support. All in had was Jesus. And now you're telling me that these things working against me mean I don't have the Spirit? I'm calling bullshit on that one.

It is so very damaging to be told all these things you didn't even know we're issues, and that everyone deals with from time to time, as sign of not having the Spirit with you. It's very, very damaging as a young girl dealing with depression, or mental illness in general, who thinks they're doing an ok job, to be told how they're feeling means they don't have the Spirit. Very damaging.

And you can argue me by saying well its not how they meant it to come across. Are you sure? Then maybe they should have really considered their wording before publishing this. I believe this came out in 1978. I received it around 1994... And it's still being handed out. Plenty of time to reword it. They know how it's coming across.

So let's look at the Whew I Have The Spirit side.

* You feel happy, calm, and clear-minded. Again, if you're happy you're righteous, if you're not you're a sinner. * You feel generous. Or maybe it's just a good day. Actually when I feel down I feel the most generous because seeing other people happy makes me feel better. I do my art mostly when I'm feeling depressed. I make beautiful things and things to give to others, because it makes them happy. * Nothing can offend you. Somethings should offend you. Some things are just plain offensive. As I recall the Spirit would help you know what's right or wrong and help you to know what to be offended at. * You wouldn't mind everybody seeing what you're doing. I don't know anyone who would love that. That just seems a bit over the top to me. * You feel like praying. Okay, that one can stay. But it doesn't mean exclusively you're feeling the Spirit. * You feel in control etc etc etc. Once again we're equating difficult, but possible to conquer, human behaviors to sin. Only if you're already perfect, can you have the Spirit. * You're glad when others succeed. Isn't that also just being a good human? I, as technical Mormon speak, do not have the Spirit at all in my life. And yet I couldn't be happier for others success in life. When their hard work pays off for them. It's incredible to see people succeed. * You feel confident and are glad to be alive.  Confidence... Such high, high standards for having the Spirit. People struggle. This world can be so unkind. Who isn't unconfident from time to time in just their daily life. I think if you told a true believing Mormon struggling with their confidence that if only they had the Spirit with them, they wouldn't be hurting, you'd have a lot of angry and offended people. Oh wait not offended, because you have the Spirit, right. Wow this is confusing. * You wish you could keep all the commandments. Why is the qualifier wish in there? Why can't you keep all the commandments? They're actually quite easy to follow. Again, just be a good person! But I guess as long as you wish you could keep them all, you're good enough. * You think about the Savior often and want or know him better. Well ok, I suppose having the Spirit can result in that. But remember my example when I supposedly didn't have the Spirit. I'd never felt closer the Jesus than I did during those times I felt all alone.

In case you missed it there are a lot, too many! stereotypes in this small handout. What it comes down to is this. Happiness equals righteousness. Depression equals sinning. It's always been that way. Truly whether the authority of the Church realizes it or not, they are saying you aren't allowed to be anything but happy. How many times do we hear over and over to just be happy, to rejoice, to lift up your hearts. These can be good things! It's when the flip side is also acknowledged as bad and we must change our "attitude" that we have a problem. Mental illnesses aren't attitude problems.

Is it any wonder I left the Mormon Church for good? After years of never being good enough, never being worthy, only being able to find comfort in an unseen being, always being told to cheer up and change how I feel, having my depression hushed and hidden for fear of people calling us sinners, FOR FINDING NO TRIED AND TRUE AND VIABLE COMFORT AND SUPPORT FOR DEPRESSION AT ALL IN THE RELIGION, enough is enough. I'll see doctors now, I'll see therapists now, I'll openly take medication, I'll do these physical things that WORK. And I will NOT feeling guilty for it. I will not feel like less of a person, one who is incapable of inner light because I am depressed. I am more. I am me and I am amazing. And you bet I'm proud of all I've accomplished and am accomplishing. I have come so much farther out of religion than I ever did in it. And I am 100% ok with that.