Treasure Box

Colleen had me make a treasure box this last week. I was to fill it with a treasure for each of the five senses. I keep it where I can see it and get to it with no obstacles, and in times of emotional distress I can get out my treasure box and soothe my five senses with my treasures to help regulate my emotions.

I had a nice box my cousin sent me awhile ago filled with tea that I painted silver and purple and painted on it a quote from How To Train Your Dragon 2, which is my favorite movie ever. The quote is when Stoick has died and Hiccup is struggling with the eulogy. His mother, Valka, comes up to him and tells him how small he was when he was born and how she was afraid he wouldn't make it. But that his father always believed and said he'd become the "strongest of them all. And he was right. You have the heart of a chief, and the soul of a dragon. This is who you are." This quote has touched me very, very deeply and holds such power for me and reminds me that I, too, have the heart of a chief and the soul of a dragon. So I painted that quote around my treasure box. I love it so much.

Inside my treasure box are my five senses treasures. For touch I used a smooth, shiny rock I held and rubbed as I was sitting watching the ocean one sunny day awhile ago. Rubbing that rock brings me back to that time of complete peace and comfort during a very distressful time in my life. Sight I put in a sand dollar, as I'll never forget the first time I found one in the sand and how incredibly happy I was. For sound I have a small ferry Christmas tree decoration I used. It reminds me of how much I love being on the ferry and hearing the water lapping against the boat as we sail. I put in a tea bag for taste. Tea is very comforting and soothing to me. For smell I used a crayon. I love the smell of crayons and it reminds me of all of art, and how much I love to create.

I'm happy to have done this little project. It was fun for me and I think it'll be a nice, quick go to when I'm feeling in distress. It's filled with things that calm my heart and that help me feel better. Maybe you can make a treasure box too! :-)

What Is Borderline Personality Disorder?

My psychiatrist, Rosalie, asked me how I felt about Borderline Personality Disorder when I saw her this last week. I told her it's been tough to take in. She wisely talked to me about how it's hard to put a human being into a diagnosis like that, or any diagnosis really. We're such complicated creatures, especially our minds, that to lump people into one category or another is almost unfair. But simply to provide better and more effective treatment, we do. One of my dearest friends, Jen, commented on facebook that one of her grad professors said we all have second axis traits. (Axis two is for assessing personality disorders; depression is on axis one.)

So what is a personality disorder? And what is Borderline Personality Disorder? This is what I know:

A personality disorder is an enduring pattern of inner experiences and behaviors that go against the norm of the individual's culture. They're inflexible and pervasive across a myriad of situations, social, personal, etc . Personality disorders generally develop in childhood and so aren't generally diagnosed until early adulthood, even into the 30s, like where I'm at.

In a grand nutshell, Borderline Personality Disorder is a mood disorder characterized by unstable moods, behavior, and relationships. It generates a significant amount of emotional instability, which in turn leads to many other mental and behavioral problems, such as depression. People with BPD have a severely distorted self image and feel worthless and fundamentally flawed.  They are very sensitive to environmental circumstances and have an insecure sense of self. Often, people with this disorder find it more difficult to distinguish between reality from their own misconceptions of the world and their surrounding environment. This may seem like a delusion disorder, but it is actually related to their emotions overwhelming regular cognitive functioning.

Other symptoms of BPD include:

*Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. I talked some in my last post about abandonment, and how much I struggle with it. The unstable pattern of interacting with others has persisted for years, and is so closely related to one's self image and early social interactions. The perception of impending separation or rejection, or loss of external structure, can lead to profound changes in self image, affect, cognition, and behavior. The perceived abandonment can leave the one with BPD feeling that they are inherently bad.

*A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships

*Identity disturbance

*Impulsivity

*Recurrent suicidal behavior

*Emotional instability

*Chronic feelings of emptiness

*Transient, stress related paranoid thoughts

Unfortunately researchers today don't know exactly what causes Borderline Personality Disorder. There are theories, however, about possible causes. Genetics may play a role. Some studies suggest personality disorders may be inherited or strongly associated with mental disorders among family members. Environmental factors also play a key role. Many people with BPD have a history of childhood abuse and neglect, and separation from caregivers or loved ones. Another theory is brain abnormalities. Some research shows change in certain areas of the brain involved in emotion regulation and impulsivity. Also certain brain chemicals that help to regulate mood may not function properly.

Treatment usually involves long term psychotherapy with a therapist trained in treating BPD. Medications may also be prescribed to help specific symptoms, but no medication treats Borderline Personality Disorder.

All I know is that I have a long, hard road ahead of me. But with it will come relief. I'm relieved to know I'm not alone, the there are people out there who have spent their lives studying the disorder, who have brought with them great wisdom and strength. I am relieved to have a name to put to the overwhelming emotions and moods and scary, dark places in my head. I am relieved that the depression is being treated effectively finally. I am hopeful for a light to begin to shine soon.

We'll stop there, with that sentence: I am hopeful.

Borderline Personality Disorder

They changed my diagnosis today. Or I should say added to my diagnosis. Borderline Personality Disorder. That's my Axis II diagnosis from my last post. It's tough to hear, tough to take in. I just feel kind of numb right now. And yet there is a part of me that is relieved. There is more than just depression going on that is making things so very difficult, and always has made things so difficult and so unresponsive to treatment. Maybe now we can treat and heal the wound instead of just putting a bandaid on the cut. I feel silly, I feel embarrassed. I feel small. Borderline Personality Disorder has such a yucky social stigma. I feel like it's still in the baby stages of being accepted, like where depression once was. Colleen was telling me that personality disorders start in childhood, as your personality is developing and you're watching others, particularly your family, and how they act and react and what you get or don't get from them. And sometimes when you're not getting what you need you develop your own methods to compensate, which are ok and work at that time, but then as you grow and mature into society, they aren't as effective or as accepted as they once were. Because personality disorders develop in childhood they're not generally diagnosed until adulthood, when you've seemingly failed to adapt to society.

One of the symptoms of BPD is intense fear of abandoment. This is the one I struggle with the most I think, at least right now. I've known for a long time abandonment is at the heart of all these problems. Feelings of abandonment growing up, of being all alone; not necessarily physically abandoned, but emotionally abandoned. So learning how to parent and take care of myself. And now I am deathly afraid of people abandoning me. I don't get close to people so they don't have a chance to hurt me. Or I'll abandon the relationship first before there's a chance the other person can abandon me. I can see how this has been happening for years. I have close friendships or relationships and one little thing happens and that's it for me. It's scary and it hurts.

I'll write an informational post about Borderline Personality Disorder later. Today is just about feeling and recognizing and facing the new and scary diagnosis and what it means for the future. I don't have to like it right now, but it still is what it is. And there is hope in being able to treat the disorder effectively which will at the same time treat my depression more effectively. That I can be ok with.

Axis II

I've met with my new therapist, Colleen, a couple times now. She's nice; I like her. She's not as blunt as Gemma. She's more your traditional therapist. My care plan was expiring the first time I saw her so we had to do that before anything. We finished it up the second time I saw her. It was uncomfortable. Mostly because I don't know Colleen well and we had to jump right into hard to talk about stuff, like self harm and suicidality. She asked me if I've ever been talked to about having an Axis II diagnosis. I haven't. I guess her team, in talking about me together, think I may have an undiagnosed personality disorder along with the depression that's never been treated, and that's why this time around is so difficult and I'm not making much progress. I don't know what to think. She named what they thought I could have and I felt a large pit in my stomach. It's a difficult one for me to hear. I'm not going to go into further detail until I meet with her again and we really talk about it. But I was supposed to research it this week and see if I think I fit the symptoms. For the most part I do. There are a couple major ones that aren't me, and I'll bring that up with her. So mostly I just kind of feel sick inside and I'm feeling pretty down about what could be. She's, and all of them, are probably right. She's mostly going off the again the self harming and the suicidality, as we've just met a couple of times. I'll write more about it after Tuesday, when I see her again.

So that's kind of where I'm at. Feeling a little less than human lately. Even though I know and I preach that I shouldn't, it doesn't change that that's how I feel right now. I know nothing will change who I am, but, it doesn't mean I have to like it.