Ramblings

Well, I'm still here. Despite almost every inch of me not wanting to be, I hang in there. The weeks are hard. The days are long. The nights are the worst. Those wee morning hours when it's dark and still. They can be hard. It's lonely. I fight every night with wanting to hurt myself, lately it's been overdosing on pills. I research toxic combinations when it's hard at night. I'm not overly happy with that fact, but it's real and it's something I struggle with. The bridge doesn't really call me right now, so much effort... I have no effort to give this. Everyone tells me lately suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Whatever. It doesn't feel temporary. I know the feelings of pain and despair will subside, that's what emotions do. But they'll be back. They'll always be back. And each time it's harder and harder to fight. I feel like as I get older the harder the fight becomes. Maybe I'm wearing out. I just don't have it in me anymore.

I worked hard this last week at my therapy. Callie gave me a nice list of techniques and distractions to try when things get too difficult. I did almost all of them. She gave me more this past Monday when I went in again. It's hard work, it's much easier to just stay on the couch and be miserable. But I'm trying. Dr. Van Meter upped my Welbutrin again to 200 mg. Hopefully that kicks in soon and doesn't take weeks. But it probably will. It usually does.

So, that's life. I exist. I give up on living and thriving. Doesn't seem to be my lot in life. I just am kind of here for some sick entertainment.

I think I'll go make some brownies.

Crisis Text Line

Last night was really horrible. I've had a lot of stressors recently and am waiting on a change in medication to become effective. I was lying on the couch last night and just started crying. And crying and crying. I truly don't remember the last time I cried. But suddently I couldn't stop. I was overcome with sadness and an empty feeling of hoplessness. After two and a half years, I started cutting on myself again. It felt so good. I knew it would. I haven't been taking my prescription for sleep, but I had been saving it up and had several months worth out and ready to swallow. I wasn't okay. And I knew I wasn't okay. I either needed help immediately or I die. I was hot in crisis.

I decided to try the Crisis Text Line. I'd never text a crisis worker before, but I didn't feel up to talking on the phone. I hate talking on the phone and the last thing I want to do in a crisis is talk out loud to a stranger. I quickly googled the number and got instructions on how to text. You start by texting "home" to 741741. The first couple of responses are immediate and automatic. They have you take a quick survey of your thoughts and feelings while they match you to an appropriate crisis volunteer. The survey took maybe two minutes. Within five minutes I had a real person texting me. I told him how I was feeling, what I was doing, and what my plans were. He validated my feelings and gave some good suggestions of healthier alternatives to cutting, one of which I felt strong enough to try. He urged me to clean and care for the wounds, which I did not do. We text for about 40 minutes, then he checked in with me again to see how I was feeling compared to when we started texting. I definitely felt calmer, but the urges to self harm and to take the pills were still very high. However I was tired of talking about it and said I could keep myself safe and we ended the conversation. After the conversation ended I got a few more automated messages, one being another survery about how the Crisis Text Line did or did not help. This one was longer and took maybe five minutes to fill out.

So what did I think of the Crisis Text Line? Overall I think it was helpful. It did move me from hot to warm, but definitely not to a cool spot. Having done both now calling a Crisis Line and texting the Crisis Text Line, as odd as this is to me I feel talking to an actual person helped more. The calming voice on the other end goes a long way.  I think in a warm moment, a moment of self harm or painful, miserable feelings, the Crisis Text Line would be just fine. But in a hot moment I would definitely recommend calling a Crisis Line or the Suicide Hotline and talking to an actual person. Will I use the Text Line again, definitely. But not when I'm feeling that suicidal and unable to focus my thoughts rationally. But it did help. It cooled me off enough to where I could take the next steps in keeping me safe.

The end of the story is I have some incredible friends who dropped everything for me and came to my rescue last night. I stayed at one of their places for the night, and while I didn't sleep much, I was safe and I was calmer and I could rest. She even let Mr. Purrington come with me. My lifeline. I think that's what I needed all along, but the Crisis Text Line was able to get me to the point that I could rationally text someone I trust for help.

Who knows where this story goes next. I have to say I'm not too disappointed I cut myself again. I went a long time without and I can be proud of that. Whatever need it fulfills for me, it did last night. So, who knows. Who ever really knows.