One Day At A Time

I'm doing ok. I have a dear friend who has opened her home to me while I work some things out and I am doing ok. I have a family I have chosen and I am happy. And I am lucky.

But I'm still depressed. Even though my mood has stabilized, I remain depressed. It's so interesting to me. It's what I have learned about depression, I've talked about it before, too. What it means to be depressed. http://paintingandsunshine.blogspot.com/2015/02/to-be-depressed

I sleep a lot still. I don't wake rested. I take naps that last for hours. I want to eat all the time. I never feel full, and even when I do I still want to eat. I have a hard time walking, my body is in pain. My back aches. I get winded so easily. I really struggled on my walk this evening, I had to stop and rest quite a bit. But I still did it. I still walked. I am retaining fluid in my feet and legs (I have a doctors appointment set up to discuss this). My concentration is improved. I can read now more than I was able before, but it still has a long way to go before I'd consider it "better".

All these depressive symptoms are still happening; I am depressed. But my mood is so much better. I have felt good for several days in a row. I have my moments throughout the day when I feel my depression knocking on the door of my mood, but I'm able to open the door and give it a swift kick in the ass! And I'm grateful for that. The self harm and suicidal thoughts are very minimal. I'm still so unsure about future events, but I am able to focus on today and get through one day at a time. The hopeless and helpless feelings are under my control right now. I feel I have some worth and that life is worth living. It is so good to feel these feelings and aspirations again and I am very much going to enjoy them while they are here! I am going to build a positive thought army to head off the negative thoughts as they come, now and in the future.

So, that's me and that's today. One day at a time.

Crisis Coping And Recovery Plan

One of the most helpful things for me inside the hospital was to come up with a Crisis Coping And Recovery Plan. It's just basically a map of healthy coping mechanisms, early warning signs of a crisis, and what to do if a crisis does occur. It's all written in small pamphlet form so it's easily attainable and easy to follow. It also contains important phone numbers, both doctors and support system. The plan can be used for any type of health concern.

It starts by reminding yourself to take care of your body, mind, and spirit, and lists several things you can do and use to help you feel better. Things such as:

• Eating healthy foods
• Drinking plenty of water
• Getting to bed at a regular time
• Exercising
• Doing a relaxation technique
• Writing in my journal
• Talking to a friend on the telephone
• Taking medications as prescribed
• Making times for hobbies/interests
• Avoiding alcohol and drugs

I added my own coping mechanisms as well:

• Play with P Man
• Make a bracelet
• Read
• Color
• Watch a movie

The plans talks about the importance of speaking kindly to yourself. It gives these suggestions:

• Today is a new day
• I deserve to feel better
• I am more than my mental illness

I added:

• I am worthwhile
• I have value
• It's ok to ask for help

Then the plan lists some positive affirmations such as:

• I am a kind, compassionate, and gentle person
• I like who I have become

I added:

• I am a good person
• I am strong
• I'm doing my best
• I'm trying

The next section is on early warning signs. I found this so incredibly helpful. I'd never realized before how many warning signs I experience that can alert me to crisis. The pamphlet says that in spite of your best efforts to take care if yourself, you can experience early warning signs. These may include:

• Anxiety
• Lack of motivation
• Decreased self care
• Avoiding others or isolating
• Distorted thinking

I added, specific to me:

• Paranoia
• Too much sleep
• Agitation
• Lack of concentration

It says if you notice these signs and symptoms to take action! To take care of yourself. Some examples are:

• Deep breathing
• Follow a healthy routine
• Listen to music
• Asking for help from a counselor or therapist
• Call a supportive friend
• Ensure that medications are taken as prescribed

I added:

• Call warm line (877-500-9276)
• Take a walk
• Write about it
• Give a time limit
• Positive self talk
• Drink water

Then there's the What Next section. Despite all our good efforts and intentions, crisis just happens sometimes. The pamphlet says, "If your symptoms become very uncomfortable, serious, or even dangerous, it is necessary to take immediate action to prevent a crisis. Make a plan that you think will help reduce your symptoms. This plan now needs to be very direcr, with few choices and with very clear instructions." Ideas include:

1. Call a doctor, or health care professional, ask for help, and follow their instructions
2. Call and talk to your support network
3. Schedule a consultation or exam with a health care provider
4. Make sure to do everything in the first part of your Prevention and Recovery Plan

I added:

• Call crisis line
• Take emergency meds
• Go to ER
• Go somewhere public

I'm so grateful for this plan. It's short enough and to the point enough that I can easily remember it and refer to it on a daily basis.

Remember, as always, that you're worth it. You're worth the effort and the fight, and you are loved beyond imagine.

Post Hospital

I left the hospital Monday after lunch. The social worker got me a taxi back to Gig Harbor, I got my car, which was still at the emergency room, and drove back to Bremerton. I felt empty leaving the hospital. I felt vulnerable. I felt fragile. I was scared to be on my own and in not the greatest situation. But I was ok.

Mr. Purrington was super happy to see me. That made me happy. I was afraid he was going to go the other way and hold a grudge against me for awhile. Cats are finicky like that. But he practically jumped into my arms and I received the head butt to end all head butts. It was adorable. I was SO glad to see him. He's been more clingy too, he's not normal a clingy cat. I'm so glad to be reunited with him again. I missed him so much.

I've tried to keep some kind of schedule since I've been out. I've had my own goal setting "group" in the morning after I wake up. I check in with my mood and make some realistic goals for the day. Then I plan out, hour by hour, what I'd like to do and accomplish for the day. It's been helpful. I haven't followed it to a tee, but it's been good for me to at least have some kind of plan laid out for the day. The structure is very helpful for my mind and my heart.

I practice deep breathing daily. Whenever I feel myself starting to get anxious I take some deep breathes to calm myself and hopefully avoid a panic attack. It's been helpful.

I continue to read and study the material I received. Just a section or two a day, nothing huge. I want to keep these helpful ideas and strategies fresh in my head.

My medication was increased while I was in the hospital. I now take 60 mg of Paxil and 10 mg of Zyprexa. The doctor also gave me Ativan as needed for anxiety.

I'm really grateful for my crisis coping plan, I think I'll do a post dedicated to just that in the near future. I have found it so helpful. I watch for warning signs of a crisis, and act accordingly if I see them. Just today I slept until 1:30pm, and one of my warning signs is too much sleep. So I forced myself to work on a bracelet and then go to the library. I'm disappointed I slept so much today. I was in the good habit of being up for breakfast while in the hospital, and I worry about slipping. But I'm taking one day at a time, it's all I can do. I need to work on being more gentle with myself. I'm doing the best I can.

I've applied with a contracting company that works with people with disabilities. Right now my depression is considered a disability. I talked to the HR assistant and she sent me some forms for Colleen and Rosalee (my psychiatrist) to fill out verifying the illness. I feel hopeful I'll be able to get this job and be able to hold onto it. I haven't felt that all year. So that makes me feel good. Getting a job is the first step to getting me some housing, which would be nice.

So overall I am doing much better than I was pre hospital. I feel hopeful for the first time in well over a year. I'm going to do my best to keep this hopeful feeling. I haven't had overwhelming and bombarding suicidal thoughts since I've been out. That's a huge improvement. Even my self harm thoughts are being kept at bay right now. I'm so grateful for that.

I know it's not going to be a picnic. The after hospital high is wearing off. But I am feeling in control still and have hope in my plan to contine what I learned in the hospital. I feel much more prepared to fight the battles as they come. And for that I am grateful.