October 29th

Hi. Here I am. It's the day after my birthday. I'm glad for that. I'm grateful to still be here. My birthday was good. I have amazing friends and amazing people in my life who went way above and beyond to help me celebrate my life. I had such a fun time at the Oregon Coast, and a fun ride home up Highway 101 seeing all the adorable coastal towns and sites. There was a rainbow on our way home that I thought was special. My friends threw Zach and me a combined birthday party that night. Zach turns 30(!) on November 1. We had delicious nachos, peanut butter cupcakes and root beer floats for Zach, and cheesecake and bubble gum ice cream for me! It was so delicious. The house was decorated so cute. My amazing family and friends put together a photo album for me, with a letter from each person along with the photos. It made me burst into tears. I was so touched. It means the world to me and I've looked at it a million times already. I felt so loved and so needed and wanted. I am so grateful for such good and kind people in my life.

It's not a secret it's been a really difficult year. I've hit some really low lows this year. Some really scary times. Times when I didn't know if there would be a tomorrow. I have tried new medications and new therapies in hopes that something will help. And it has. Some things have taken longer than others, some things have been almost immediate. I have had incredible support throughout it all which more than anything else I'd say has buoyed me up and helped me go on.

I've learned so much about life, and about myself, this past year. I've learned how resilient and powerful human beings are. I've watched some incredible people fight some really hard battles and I've watched their strength and endurance as they've come out on top. I've been strengthened and inspired by friends and strangers alike. I've learned what it is to be a true friend. I've said before I have the very best friends in the world. I've learned what it means to love and accept others unconditionally and without reservation and to fully give of yourself to another hurting soul. I have watched miracles happening and am amazed by the goodness that exists in the world.

I'm grateful I decided to keep trying. To keep working and pushing forward even when the whole world felt like it was conspiring to stop me. I kept going. I have proven to myself that I can do anything and overcome any obstacle placed in my way. The battle is not over. There are many more lonely and heartbreaking nights to get through. But I will get through them. I can do anything. I have proven my strength. I'm proud of myself. It is so difficult. The challenge is real and it is unbelievably hard. But it's beatable. And I will beat it. The darkness will not win. I can do this. I will do this. I will rise above and I will conquer.

Happy Birthday to me.

Tomorrow

Today is October 27th. Tomorrow is my birthday. I'm sitting at the ocean, I'm alone. I'm having a lot of feels. Tomorrow was supposed to be the last day of my life. But now. Now here I am. I'm not sure what's next. The ocean is beautiful right now.  It's gray, and green, and a little blue. The waves are white as they crash in. They're huge. The seagulls are flying right above the surf and landing on the beach. There must be hundreds of them. The only sound is the ocean roaring. It is mighty. It is majestic. It is strong. I am mighty. I am majestic. I am strong. I am a fighter and tomorrow will not be the last day of my life. That thought makes me sad. I have come to terms with dying. I am at peace with how my life will end. But not now. Not today, not tomorrow. Instead it will be a celebration of life. This idea of living is new. It's uncomfortable. I'm not really sure what exactly it means to me or what I'm supposed to do with myself, but I guess I'll figure it out. Mostly though I'm just sitting here deeply feeling some things I've been pushing away. And that's ok. I feel at peace with my new decision and with my life. I'll see what tomorrow brings.

Hope

I've had 12 ECTs now. This week we're tapering down to two a week. I have an appointment on Wednesday to talk with one of the ECT psychiatrists, Dr. Allen, to talk more about what tapering off looks like for me, what maintenance will look like. I guess the big question those interested want answered is is it working? To that I give a resounding yes! It is working! The biggest thing I feel is hope. I haven't felt hopeful in years, so this is huge. I feel hope for further recovery and for a better quality of life. I used to truly believe that the depressed life was it, that things would never look up and could never get better. But now I believe there can be better days. I have felt a day touched by hope and it feels good. It's still going to take a lot of work, probably for the rest of my life, but now that I know how to get there and what it can feel like, I'm willing to keep working at it. My life feels valuable to me right now and that's such a change from the past. I have fought long and hard and I am coming out on top and I will beat this monster. I didn't think I could, I didn't think I would, I thought I had tried everything there is to try. ECT was my last hope. I remember being so scared that it wasnt going to work. It had to work. I remember that desperation. I realize it isn't a end all cure all thing, like I said it's still going to take a lot of work. But it's pushing me out of the rut I'd been in for so long so that I can work at moving forward. It's given me hope back. Now I have to learn what to do with that hope. It's going to take some time, but I'll get there. I've had an amazing support system. Seriously, I couldn't ask for a more amazing set of people to surround myself with than what I've got. They lift me up and carry me when my legs don't want to work. They've taken me to all my appointments in Port Orchard and in Seattle, and have never once complained. I have felt so loved and needed. I know the greatest people. All in all I have to say things are looking up. Compared to where I was a couple months ago I wouldn't have even thought I could be in this place. But here I am. I guess anything really is possible.

Post Hospital

I've been home for 12 days now. 12 good days. Mr. Purrington was SO happy to see me. As I was with him. He's kept me in his sight and showered me with headbutts and kisses. It's been sweet. My apartment was in pristine condition, thanks to my amazing friends who looked after it while I was away. I've been continuing ECT treatments MWF since I've been home. We're doing one more week of that and then we're going to start tapering off. I'm looking forward to not having such intense treatments so often. But I have to say they are working. I've had good days since I've been home. I feel more hopeful than I have in years. I feel like maybe there can be a future and I am looking forward to what that might be. I've been able to do some art with some friends, which I have been enjoying. My parents were up for a visit last week and that went really well. I think it was good for them to see me in this vulnerable situation. I'm grateful for my time in the hospital. I learned a lot about myself and about others in the same situation. I gained more compassion and empathy towards myself and others. I'm grateful I was in a safe place where I could learn and grow and heal. I'm grateful for the doctors and nurses and everyone else who gave of their time and energy to make the hospital a safe and healing environment. I'm grateful for the friends I made in the hospital. I'm grateful we were there to support and build up one another during a very difficult time. But of course I am so grateful now to be home, back in my space and with my baby boy. I go back to the hospital tomorrow for my ECT. I'm grateful I can do it as an outpatient. Mostly today I'm grateful for good days.

Swedish

I wrote this on Saturday, September 29, 2018. I just don't want to forget these moments...

They wake me up around 7am to take my thyroid medicine.  I have to wait 30 minutes before I can eat. So I go out to breakfast around 7:30am. At 9:30am we have goals group in the Rainier Room upstairs on the 4th floor. We state our name, our top three moods, and a reasonable and achievable goal for the day. It lasts about a half hour. Then at 11am is OT Clinic, basically an art group. I usually color. But I did paint a box and grouted some tile on the top, which turned out really cool. (Which I also left at the hospital. Oh well.) That lasts until noon, after which is lunch.  We have two more afternoon groups, at 1:30pm and 3:30pm. These are usually processing groups. Communication, stress management, healthy boundaries, etc. Dinner comes around 5pm. We have one last group at 6:30pm. It's usually a game, or yoga, or something more relaxing like that. I usually take my sleeping medication around 8:45pm and go to bed after that. On ECT days I usually skip the first several groups. Wednesday I slept almost all day, so I didn't make it to any groups that day. Oh well. I was drained and needed my rest.

I've appreciated my time here. I had such a high opinion of Swedish from when I was here three years ago, and they haven't disappointed. I've learned a lot and feel I've been heard and well taken care of.

I don't feel great still. I'm sad. But I'm not a hopeless right now. I'm beginning to entertain the thought of a future and what that looks like for me. I don't know what it looks like yet. But I'm trying. The chance of me killing myself is going down. I feel like it goes down every day. I still think about it, but it isn't set in stone anymore. There's some hope. Which is more than I've had in a really long time.