35

Today is my birthday. I made it to 35. I didn't expect to. This has been the hardest year of my life. I look back and I can't believe I've survived. I have been through the very lowest of lows this year and I have come out on top. There were lots of incredibly scary times when I wasn't sure I'd make it to today. But I have. And I am stronger and better for it. I have faced my demons head on and I have been victorious. Out of sheer will to survive, I have. And I am proud of that. I'm here and I'm alive and I can honestly say right now that I'm glad I am.

Here's 35 totally random things you may or may not know about me. Because it's me day, so why not.

1. My elbows are double jointed
2. My favorite color is purple
3. My favorite movie is How To Train Your Dragon 2
4. I pick my nails
5. I hate country music
6. My favorite season is Spring
7. I think I would've been a hippie had I grown up in the 60s
8. I hate talking on the phone
9. I'm the oldest of 7 kids
10. I drive a stick shift
11. I hate flying bugs
12. My favorite food is sushi
13. I hated high school
14. I'm progressive minded
15. I love the ocean
16. I don't miss Utah at all
17. I fall in love too easily
18. I'm working on refraining my negative thoughts
19. I'm learning to hold my own power and not give it to others
20. I wear size 9 shoe
21. I don't enjoy shopping
22. I don't want kids
23. I'm going to live in Maine someday
24. I don't like Italian food
25. I'm a pretty open book once I'm comfortable with you
26. Series of Unfortunate Events is my favorite book series
27. I'm very introverted
28. I love to create
29. I make friends easily
30. My favorite TV show is MASH
31. I like vegetables more than fruit
32  I'm not a morning person
33. I want to get spider bite piercings
34. I hate doing dishes
35. I fulfilled the one thing on my bucket list I never thought I actually would. I saved a life. My own.

Happy Birthday to me.

Healing

I have a cold. It sucks. But that's the worst thing that's happening right now.

Things are still looking upwards. I get to move into my apartment on Friday! I am so very excited for that. I said goodbye to Colleen and Rosalie at the Bremerton office of KMH and have made appointments with my new therapist and psychiatrist in the Port Orchard Kitsap Mental Health office. I have an appointment in a couple days for my labs to be drawn with my primary care. Being on the Olanzapine they like to watch levels as it's not meant to be a long term medication.

I had my intake with the Division of Vocational Rehabilitation this last week. They have 60 days to decide if I qualify, but I don't see why I wouldn't. If I do get accepted I'll be given a job coach and they'll be able to help me find an appropriate job for my circumstances,  for the depression. I'm hopeful that I'll be able to find a fitting job that I will be able to be successful with and start some healing there.

I don't quite know how to describe how good it feels to be on a good, working dose of medication, and to have circumstances start working in my favor. I feel honored, I feel grateful, and I feel excited. There's a new beat to life that I am learning to dance to. And it feels good. I still feel fragile, definitely not on solid ground just yet, but I am getting there. For the first time in years I feel like I can say things are going my way.

I'm cautious though. I know things are still shakey. I know how depression works and how it is to be so wary of good times. It scares me a little. I fear the relapse. But every day that I feel good is a day towards kicking this thing in the ass. I am still SO incredibly tired all the time. I think that may have more to do with the hypothyroid condition than with depression right now, but it still makes life difficult when I have no energy. Hopefully in time with the medication it'll  ease itself out.

So right now I feel good, I feel hopeful for the first time in years. I am so magnificently grateful. I have learned to never take a day for granted. Each day is a new start, is a gift to behold. Each sunrise means the night is over and a fresh day is beginning. To even be alive is a miracle. The grandest miracle of all. And I am alive. I am healing.

After The Storm

I feel good. I haven't felt this well in years. Things are looking up. I don't feel great, I don't feel 100%, but I do feel good and I do feel better.

My energy is still really low. I sleep a lot and feel very fatigued when I'm not asleep. I have a hard time concentrating still. But my mood has stabilized, for which I am really grateful. The self harm and suicidal thoughts have been very minimal.

I noticed something interesting looking back over the last month or so, since I entered the hospital. The night I entered the ER, I removed from my life some very toxic people. I removed friends from Facebook, and even deleted numbers from my phone. I hit such a low point that I couldn't handle having any access or have anyone be able to have access to my life. Things immediately turned around. I was able to be placed in an amazing hospital with an amazing program. My dear friend invited me to stay in her home while I get life figured out. And I just recently got accepted and approved for housing through Kitsap Mental Health. That means I'm going to be moving into an apartment all my own soon. I am beyond excited. Good things are happening. I truly feel that I had to remove that toxicity from my life before things could look up. It does makes me sad, and yet I am so relieved and grateful for the good things that are happening to me. It does not good to hang on to toxic things, people or otherwise.

I was also just diagnosed with hypothyroid. Many of those symptoms mimic depression symptoms, so once that's under control, I'll feel even better. The doctor said it'll take about three months to get the medication where it needs to be.

So, all in all, things are looking better. I feel so much relief. I have found some amazing friends who love me and accept me exactly as I am. And what an amazing feeling that is.

I'm living after the storm for awhile now. And the rainbow is magic.