Healing

I feel awake enough to blog! This is a big deal. Over the last several months I haven't been able to keep my eyes open throughout the day. Needless to say, I wasn't functioning. I had my sleep study done and they found out I stopped breathing an average of 38 times an hour and had a low O2 level of 82. No wonder I wasn't rested, ever. I've been on the cpap machine for a few days now. It's not an overnight miracle worker, but today I noticed I am still tired, but after an hour nap I have been awake the rest of the day!  I actually had to fix myself breakfast and lunch! So that's a super good thing going on in my life. Finally a solution and some relief to that giant wall of a problem.

I'm almost off Olanzapine. And my psychiatrist has put me on Latuda. It's a brand new medication. I've been on it for a few days now and I can already tell the difference. I was feeling pretty bummed there for awhile. I didn't like that. It was worrisome for me and I was getting scared. So I'm grateful for this new medication and for a doctor who listens and cares.

I've been able to have short text message conversations with my mom recently. This is the first time in years I've been able to handle any kind of contact with her without having an anxiety attack. I think this means I'm healing. I'm becoming ok with myself, and coming to terms with the dynamics of our relationship, or lack thereof, really as the case may be. I never thought I could get to this place. I never ever thought I could have contact with her and be ok with it. I am so proud of myself for taking the time and allowing myself to have the needed healing take place. Does this mean I want to be buddy buddies or see her, no. I'm not there yet. Baby steps, slowly. I'll always have a guard up, always be careful what I say or share. The wounds are far too great to allow any kind of close relationship ever again. I won't forget, but I can forgive. And I can be at peace with myself. I am grateful for a healing heart.

And a healing life.

Melancholy

I remember hearing about a man who was receiving some kind of service, I believe in a bank, when after quite awhile it was discovered that he and the teller had a common good friend. Then he said, "It's a good thing I was nice to her (the teller)." That's always bothered me. Why did there need to be a condition placed on being nice to another human being? Why not be nice because being nice is the right thing to do? No one likes a slow line. No one likes having unanswered questions. And no one likes another human being to be rude to them when they're just trying to do the best they can. I learned from that experience to always treat people above and beyond how I would expect to be treated, so in the end everyone wins. I feel better. And I've treated my fellow human beings with kindness, whether things were going my way or not. I know I did what I could to brighten someone's day. Or at least not make it worse. No conditions placed. No conditions needed.

I'm in a melancholy mood right now. I feel low, I think it's from coming off the Olanzapine. I don't feel bad. I feel a little sad, mostly just empty. I have no motivation. The smallest tasks are monumental in size. I take it easy, small baby steps. I moved from the bed to the couch. But I got out of bed, so that's a success. Yesterday I did my dishes. That was a huge success. This is what it is to be depressed, as I've talked about before. No tears, no panic, no harmful thoughts, no... nothing. Just existing. But I have to count existing as a success. And it's good that I can see that right now, that is progress. I just have a familiar melancholy ache in my heart right now.

I think a lot about the hospital, and my time there. That was a turning point in my life. People there just got it. I didn't have to explain feeling low, they just understood. I didn't feel alone there, though I was all alone. It was nice to be accepted as is. It was good to finally realize I wasn't alone in the battle. That people understood and cared and tried to make things better. And no one thought I was out of my mind. I'm grateful for my time at Cherry Hill.

It was supposed to rain today. Instead it is a beautiful, sunshiney day. A bit windy, but not a dark cloud in sight. I'm grateful for the sunshine. It reminds me that things get better.

And that life can shine again.