Lord Midnight

It surprised me how quickly I wanted another cat after Mr. Purrington died. I asked Zach if it was wrong to want another cat so soon and he said no. I had a couple other friends agree. I just craved the companionship. I hated being alone. I needed something there that needed me. Mr. Purrington brought me through so many hard times, and I ached for that connection. The few people I talked to agreed that Mr. Purrington would want me to have another cat.

My friend whose house Mr. Purrington is buried at told me about Feline Friday at the Humane Society, where all adult cats adoption fees are $30. So I started watching their website for available cats. One caught by eye, Burley. He was a domestic shorthair, basically a mutt. He was what I had hoped for. An adult, but young. He was two. He was black. I wanted to adopt a black cat because I know they aren't adopted as much as other cats, mainly due to peoples superstitions. And they don't photograph as well. Which is a true excuse people give. Burley's description said he was a gentle and loving cat, who needed a quiet home with someone who has a lot of patience to help Burley settle into his new home. I felt like I could give him what he needed. So I hoped so much that he'd still be available when Friday rolled around.

On Friday, January 11th, my friend and I went to the Humane Society right as soon as they opened. And Burley was still there! He came up to me immediately in his cage and rubbed his face on my hand. After filling out an adoption application I was able to meet Burley. He came to me and rubbed his little face all over my hands and arms and face. He purred and purred. I strongly felt like this was my new little buddy. I learned he'd been at the shelter since Dec 2nd. He came in as an unneutered stray. He'd been there over a month. That was way too long. It surprised me so much because he is so beautiful, with his glossy black fur and big green eyes. And he is the sweetest little guy. Very loving, just like they said. My friend explained that it can take awhile once the Humane Society decides an animal needs a home without children, like my Lord Midnight required. Anyway once we got everything signed and paid for and went to get Burley, who we'll call Lord Midnight from now on, hahaha, the shelter employee asked him if he was ready to go home and he literally nodded twice! It was so awesome. The worker just gasped and stared at Lord Midnight then me and said "did you see that?!" Oh, I saw. He'd been waiting for me.

He cried the whole 30 minutes home. He found a cupboard pretty quickly and hid for hours. I'd come talk to him and pet him every now and then. He finally came out and quickly found that under the bed was a good spot to be. Again, I'd go talk with him and just layed on the floor next to the bed for a very long time. Finally he came out and inched towards me. Then he let me touch him. He spent the rest of the evening under the bed, but he'd come out now when I layed down next to him and called for him.

I don't think it took very long for him to know how loved and wanted he is. He is not Mr. Purrington, I still struggle to realize that at times. And the hurt is huge still. But he is Lord Midnight, and exactly who he should be. He is super playful. He loves all his toys, and the curtains and the cupboards. He is so loving and has woken me up at night headbutting and rubbing his face on mine. And well as cute as that is... luckily he is slowly sleeping more through the night. Or at least he's letting me sleep more. Ha I honestly don't know which. I miss Mr. Purrington. Oh how I miss him. But I love this new little boy so much. And I am genuinely happy he's here with me.

Welcome home, Lord Midnight.

Healing

I had my ECT today. We're officially doing maintenance care now. I'm starting to go in every four weeks. The doctor said if I start declining before the four weeks is up, to let them know and we'll go back to every three weeks or so. I feel ready to go to once a month. I didn't decline or have any returning symptoms this last three week since my last ECT. I'm excited about this. ECT has changed my life. I had all but given up. I was sure this was the end. I felt like I had tried everything with no success. Then the doctor at St. Josephs suggested ECT. And that was the beginning of this huge change. I will be forever grateful.

I feel at peace. Things are not perfect. There are things I struggle with and things I'm not sure how to resolve, but I don't feel hopeless anymore. I am able to do more. I have more energy. Not a lot just yet, but I am able to do more than I have been for a really long time. I'm able to take better care of myself. I shower, I brush my teeth daily. I'm no longer letting myself rot because I feel like crap. There exists some self worth. This is life changing.

I am so grateful for my amazing friends who have supported me through all this. Without hesitation they've taken me to all my appointments, an hour and a half away. They've provided support and encouragement and have never given up on me. I am so blessed.

If you had told me three months ago that I'd be saying these things I would have laughed in your face. But here I am. Not just surviving, but living. And enjoying it too.

Mr. Purrington 7/19/2011 - 12/28/2018

I have to write about this. December 28, 2018. Mr. Purrington had been sick for a couple days. Christmas Eve he started vomiting. He vomited three times that night. It's not overly unusual for him to vomit like that. I figured he had an upset stomach and that it would pass. It didn't. I woke up at 1:30pm on Friday, December 28, 2018 and went out to the living room to find Mr. Purrington. I knew immediately when I saw him that he was gone. I could just tell. He was half way under the couch. I touched his body and he was stiff. My baby boy was dead. My baby boy was dead. My whole body went numb. I didn't know what to do. I started calling everyone I could think of that might be able to come help me. Everyone was in shock, no one could believe it. My dear friend came over to help me with the body. We wrapped him in one of my shirts. I didn't lift him out. I couldn't. My friend was kind and gentle enough to do that for me. I didn't have enough money to cremate him, so she offered to let me bury him in her back yard. So we put Mr. Purrington in a box and drove to her house. Her husband dug a nice hole at the edge of the back yard and we tenderly place my boy, still wrapped in my shirt, in the hole and covered him up. It was the most difficult thing I have ever done. We placed a cement block as a marker of where he is.

I can't believe it. I still can't believe it. It happened so fast. How could my precious boy be gone? He was loving, and gentle, and funny, and a little bit mysterious. But mostly he was pure love. He loved me unconditionally and without hesitation. If anyone knew me completely, all my flaws and strengths and weaknesses, my ups and downs and everything in between, and loved me anyway, it was Mr. Purrington. I miss him more than I can say. I love him more than I ever thought was possible to love. He was my guardian and my strength. We were as close as two beings can be. And now, now he is gone. And I am heartbroken. My soul hurts and my heart hurts. I just can't believe it.

I hope he is free. I hope he is happy. I hope he is at peace. I hope he is running and playing and causing all sorts of mischief. And I hope he comes around once in awhile. I hope he pokes me with his little paw when he wants attention. No one will ever replace my Mr. Purrington. He will forever hold my heart. I miss him. I love him.

Rest in peace, my angel.