It's 12:01 on October 28, 2020. Happy Birthday to me.
I'm usually a huge birthday person. I love birthdays. They're my favorite to celebrate. I just love that there's a day just for you, to celebrate YOU and your life. But, the longer the day worn on yesterday, the 27th of October, the worse I felt. This sense of doom and gloom just lingered over me. For the first time in my life, I was not happy about having a birthday and felt zero excitement in the upcoming day.I turn 40 today. Forty. The big 4 - 0. I remember turning 30. No longer in my 20s. I felt great. I was happy, healthy, life was going good and I loved embracing turning 30. I remember I felt powerful that day. I felt like a princess. I felt a turn in my life that day and excitedly embraced a new chapter of life.
But today, now, it's 12:14 a.m. I feel, well, kind of sad. Grief, I feel grief. I didn't know I would feel this way at all. I have been joking all year about turning 40, and others have joked with me and that's been completely fine! But suddenly it's today, it's really here and happening. And now suddenly it isn't fine anymore.
Interesting to me. Very interesting.
So what should I do? How do I accept what is and let go of what was? When I'm not even sure exactly what is, or what was to let go of.
I feel like this. I feel like my life is half over and I havent done a damn thing with the 40 years I've had. And I feel I'm getting too old to start anything new. I feel grief over that. Grief and anger. Have I wasted my whole life away? I mean really, what have I done? What have I done to show for having been around for 40 years? And way more than when I turned 30, I feel changes in my body that I don't like. I can no longer just jump up at a moments notice whenever I want without moaning and groaning about how everything hurts. I can't sleep like I used to, yet I can't stay awake like I used to either. I can no longer eat ice cream and Milky Ways for breakfast without gaining five pounds and feeling sick for the rest of the day. I feel myself being so out of touch with "kids" today, what's "hip" and cool. I have no idea who's on the Billboard Top 100. Or if that's even still a thing... I'm at a place right now where I'm everything I always said I never would be.
How has that even happened?
It's 12:33 a.m. I'm tired. Let me think, actually let me sleep, then I'll look for some answers. Goodnight.
Well. It's now 4:47 p.m. Technically I was born at 4:33 p.m. so I am actually 40 now. And, it's been a good day. I don't feel the doom and gloom that I felt yesterday. I just kind of feel a calm, this just is. I'm starting a new chapter in my life. Today is a day not just of being powerful, but of being empowered. I am in control of my life and it is going the direction I want it to go. And that feels good. And, it's taken forty years to get to this point. That's a long time, it really is, I can accept that. But wow, I take a moment to reflect and look back and I have come so far. I have moved and twisted and shifted and I have come out on top of the world. I have conquered obstacles I thought bigger than myself and I have learned to love and accept myself and that, my friends, is the greatest lesson I have ever learned. I am so grateful to have had these forty years to work on becoming who I am today. I'm proud of all I have done and have overcome and have accomplished thus far.
So on turning 40. It really isn't that bad after all. I have a feeling the best is yet to come. And that feels so good.
But today, now, it's 12:14 a.m. I feel, well, kind of sad. Grief, I feel grief. I didn't know I would feel this way at all. I have been joking all year about turning 40, and others have joked with me and that's been completely fine! But suddenly it's today, it's really here and happening. And now suddenly it isn't fine anymore.
Interesting to me. Very interesting.
So what should I do? How do I accept what is and let go of what was? When I'm not even sure exactly what is, or what was to let go of.
I feel like this. I feel like my life is half over and I havent done a damn thing with the 40 years I've had. And I feel I'm getting too old to start anything new. I feel grief over that. Grief and anger. Have I wasted my whole life away? I mean really, what have I done? What have I done to show for having been around for 40 years? And way more than when I turned 30, I feel changes in my body that I don't like. I can no longer just jump up at a moments notice whenever I want without moaning and groaning about how everything hurts. I can't sleep like I used to, yet I can't stay awake like I used to either. I can no longer eat ice cream and Milky Ways for breakfast without gaining five pounds and feeling sick for the rest of the day. I feel myself being so out of touch with "kids" today, what's "hip" and cool. I have no idea who's on the Billboard Top 100. Or if that's even still a thing... I'm at a place right now where I'm everything I always said I never would be.
How has that even happened?
It's 12:33 a.m. I'm tired. Let me think, actually let me sleep, then I'll look for some answers. Goodnight.
Well. It's now 4:47 p.m. Technically I was born at 4:33 p.m. so I am actually 40 now. And, it's been a good day. I don't feel the doom and gloom that I felt yesterday. I just kind of feel a calm, this just is. I'm starting a new chapter in my life. Today is a day not just of being powerful, but of being empowered. I am in control of my life and it is going the direction I want it to go. And that feels good. And, it's taken forty years to get to this point. That's a long time, it really is, I can accept that. But wow, I take a moment to reflect and look back and I have come so far. I have moved and twisted and shifted and I have come out on top of the world. I have conquered obstacles I thought bigger than myself and I have learned to love and accept myself and that, my friends, is the greatest lesson I have ever learned. I am so grateful to have had these forty years to work on becoming who I am today. I'm proud of all I have done and have overcome and have accomplished thus far.
So on turning 40. It really isn't that bad after all. I have a feeling the best is yet to come. And that feels so good.
