When I was around 12 or 13 and had just entered the Young Womens program in church (for young girls ages 12 - 18) we had a lesson about having the Holy Spirit with you and how you can tell if you have the Spirit or not. The Holy Spirit is something all Mormons strive to have with them at all times, and is very sacred in Mormon culture. We received this popular handout that I'm sure is still used today.
Do you have any idea, as young, hormonal teenagers, how damaging it is to hear these things. You add on top of that young ladies suffering from depression and you're in for a world of confusion and misery. The very first indicator for not having the Spirit is "you feel unhappy, DEPRESSED, confused, and frustrated." This just simply isn't true, and how horrible to tell young people if they feel depressed, even frustrated, that they don't have God's Spirit with them. Not having the Spirit is equated to sinning in Mormon culture, and now simply feeling unhappy is equated to sin. It blows my mind. I think this is one of the huge problems of my parents in hiding my depression growing up, because for some messed up reason depression is equated to sinning. It reflected bad on me, and bad on them. Even though it is NOTHING to be ashamed of and most certainly does NOT reflect a sinful life, however objective a sinful life really is.
We can go down the list. * Being secretive and evasive. I don't know anyone, especially teens, who aren't secretive and evasive once in awhile. It's being a teen. * You don't want to pray. Even in my most religious of days I didn't like praying. My mind could never focus on having a conversation with an unseen being in my head for more than five seconds. I always struggled with prayer. I don't know how many times I fell asleep while saying my nightly prayer. It doesn't mean I wasn't doing all I could to be a good Mormon, just that it was something I struggled with. * You avoid people, especially family, and are critical of family and Church authority. Even without the depression factor, I don't see at all how avoiding people could be equated to lack of the Spirit. Some people, myself included, just prefer being alone. Being critical of Church authorities is an old Mormon trick for absolute control, blind faith if you will. If you tell others they can't criticize you and if they do they don't have the Spirit, well then no super God fearing Mormon is going to even think to be critical, or question at all Mormon authority at all for fear of being called a "sinner". * You get discouraged easily and wonder if life is worth it. Again, putting everyday, human emotions in the sinning category. That's not ok. * You find the commandments bothersome, restricing, or senseless. I don't see how this one is even on there. Most of the 10 commandments you do everyday just by trying to be a good human. I don't think being told not to lie or steal is restricing to any good human. * You don't want to go to church and want a different church job. First of all I can't believe they used the word job instead of calling. Job just has a negative connotation period. I could see how not wanting to go to church as a sign of not having the Spirit, because it's boring. And long. And you're constantly being told you're not good enough. Or maybe not wanting to go to church IS a sign if having the Spirit, because who wants to be told they're unworthy for three hours straight? * You don't think of the Savior often or see him as irrelevant and as a system working against you. When I was young in the Church, and starting to feel depressed, Jesus was all I relied on, because it's all I felt I could rely on for comfort and healing. I had "the Spirit" with me and I knew it. And yet everything kept working against me anyway. I had little to no family support, because of family callings in the church, I had little to no church support. All in had was Jesus. And now you're telling me that these things working against me mean I don't have the Spirit? I'm calling bullshit on that one.
It is so very damaging to be told all these things you didn't even know we're issues, and that everyone deals with from time to time, as sign of not having the Spirit with you. It's very, very damaging as a young girl dealing with depression, or mental illness in general, who thinks they're doing an ok job, to be told how they're feeling means they don't have the Spirit. Very damaging.
And you can argue me by saying well its not how they meant it to come across. Are you sure? Then maybe they should have really considered their wording before publishing this. I believe this came out in 1978. I received it around 1994... And it's still being handed out. Plenty of time to reword it. They know how it's coming across.
So let's look at the Whew I Have The Spirit side.
* You feel happy, calm, and clear-minded. Again, if you're happy you're righteous, if you're not you're a sinner. * You feel generous. Or maybe it's just a good day. Actually when I feel down I feel the most generous because seeing other people happy makes me feel better. I do my art mostly when I'm feeling depressed. I make beautiful things and things to give to others, because it makes them happy. * Nothing can offend you. Somethings should offend you. Some things are just plain offensive. As I recall the Spirit would help you know what's right or wrong and help you to know what to be offended at. * You wouldn't mind everybody seeing what you're doing. I don't know anyone who would love that. That just seems a bit over the top to me. * You feel like praying. Okay, that one can stay. But it doesn't mean exclusively you're feeling the Spirit. * You feel in control etc etc etc. Once again we're equating difficult, but possible to conquer, human behaviors to sin. Only if you're already perfect, can you have the Spirit. * You're glad when others succeed. Isn't that also just being a good human? I, as technical Mormon speak, do not have the Spirit at all in my life. And yet I couldn't be happier for others success in life. When their hard work pays off for them. It's incredible to see people succeed. * You feel confident and are glad to be alive. Confidence... Such high, high standards for having the Spirit. People struggle. This world can be so unkind. Who isn't unconfident from time to time in just their daily life. I think if you told a true believing Mormon struggling with their confidence that if only they had the Spirit with them, they wouldn't be hurting, you'd have a lot of angry and offended people. Oh wait not offended, because you have the Spirit, right. Wow this is confusing. * You wish you could keep all the commandments. Why is the qualifier wish in there? Why can't you keep all the commandments? They're actually quite easy to follow. Again, just be a good person! But I guess as long as you wish you could keep them all, you're good enough. * You think about the Savior often and want or know him better. Well ok, I suppose having the Spirit can result in that. But remember my example when I supposedly didn't have the Spirit. I'd never felt closer the Jesus than I did during those times I felt all alone.
In case you missed it there are a lot, too many! stereotypes in this small handout. What it comes down to is this. Happiness equals righteousness. Depression equals sinning. It's always been that way. Truly whether the authority of the Church realizes it or not, they are saying you aren't allowed to be anything but happy. How many times do we hear over and over to just be happy, to rejoice, to lift up your hearts. These can be good things! It's when the flip side is also acknowledged as bad and we must change our "attitude" that we have a problem. Mental illnesses aren't attitude problems.
Is it any wonder I left the Mormon Church for good? After years of never being good enough, never being worthy, only being able to find comfort in an unseen being, always being told to cheer up and change how I feel, having my depression hushed and hidden for fear of people calling us sinners, FOR FINDING NO TRIED AND TRUE AND VIABLE COMFORT AND SUPPORT FOR DEPRESSION AT ALL IN THE RELIGION, enough is enough. I'll see doctors now, I'll see therapists now, I'll openly take medication, I'll do these physical things that WORK. And I will NOT feeling guilty for it. I will not feel like less of a person, one who is incapable of inner light because I am depressed. I am more. I am me and I am amazing. And you bet I'm proud of all I've accomplished and am accomplishing. I have come so much farther out of religion than I ever did in it. And I am 100% ok with that.
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