*Don't expect to fix their depression. More often than not your loved one will know what they need to do, or not do, to feel better. What they need is to be heard, to be listened to and supported. You can spout advice all you want, but you may end up feeling your loved one is rejecting or ignoring you when they don't follow it. Depression isn't a machine. Your loved one didn't break. Humans don't break, they bend and sometimes that hurts, but we aren't cold, lifeless machines that need fixing. Please don't think you can fix what isn't broken.
*Don't ignore the problem. Pretending the depression doesn't exist isn't helpful at all. It doesn't serve to shun, ignore, or hide your loved ones depression. All that will do is cause the one hurting to feel shame and embarrassment. Please please please don't pretend nothing is happening, no matter how it makes you feel. The depression isn't about you, and your loved one needs you.
*Don't give up too soon. Depression treatment and recovery takes time. Give it the time it necessary. Often your loved one will need to hear they're loved and worth fighting for several times from different sources before they'll begin to believe what they hear is true. Keep fighting for them.
*Don't break confidences. Having someone open up to you about their struggle with depression is a big deal. If you're someone who had been trusted with this information, take that as the highest compliment. And with that keep your loved ones trust. Unless it is for their own safety, which is important above all, do not break the confidence of one who finds trusting anyone so very difficult.
*Don't judge or criticize. Believe me when I say your loved one is judging and criticizing themselves enough for twenty people. They're not choosing to be depressed, and what they need is unconditional support and love from you.
*Avoid the tough love approach. For some reason, some people seem to think showing tough love will inspire positive behavioral changes or simply undo the depression all together. This is useless, hurtful, and harmful.
*Don't minimize their pain. By minimizing what your loved one is going through, all you're doing is causing them to feel shame. It invalidates what they’re experiencing and completely glosses over the fact that they’re struggling with a difficult disorder, not some weakness or personality flaw.
*Avoid offering advice. Instead ask what you can do to help. Sometimes it may be true that your loved one needs guidance, however unsolicited advice often leaves them feeling insulted or inadequate and can cause them to detach from you.
*Avoid making comparisons. Unless you’ve experienced a depressive episode yourself, saying you know how your loved one feels is not helpful. While your intention may be to help your loved one feel less alone, this can cut your conversation right off.
I hope this list is helpful in learning about some actions to avoid while helping someone you love deal with their depression. No one is perfect and so often we kind of fly by the seat of our pants anyway, but educating yourself is so very important when dealing with depression. At least then when the opportunity rises to help someone, you can pull from the concrete knowledge you've gained instead of scrambling to know what to do or say. Remember, like I said in the last post- knowledge is power and understanding!
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