Should I Die

Should I die tonight. Bury me in the ocean. Cremate my body and scatter my ashes at sea. This is what I want. I don't belong to this earth. I never have. Let me rest in the water, the only place I've ever felt at peace. Please don't have a funeral. I see no need for any type of sermon. Let the life I lived be enough. Get together still, it's ok to cry. It's also ok to laugh. I want to be remembered for being a real person. I want people to share stories of times we shared together. I cried a lot. I laughed a lot. We have a lot of memories and I want them to be shared. So get together and remember who I was. Then leave and get on with your lives. Don't forget me, but move on. I'm at peace now.

Remember that mental health was my passion. I tried so hard to help and to share what it is like to live compassionately with a mental illness. I hope I have succeeded in some small way. I hope I can be seen as someone who fought off and won their demons, until I couldn't anymore. There is no shame in death. I'm not ashamed. I did my best. In the end depression will take my life. I hope I have helped someone along the way so depression won't take theirs. I understand the fight. I get it. I know.

I trust you will take care of Mr. Purrington. My angel baby. Be patient with him. Learn his quirks. Don't try to handle him much, he doesn't like it. He'll let you know when he wants to be cuddled. Just love him like I did. It's urgent. Be grateful for the years we had and the help he gave me. My boy.

Mostly though, bury me at sea. That's all I wanted to say. It's been a long, long fight. In the end though I just couldn't save myself.