Post Hospital

I left the hospital Monday after lunch. The social worker got me a taxi back to Gig Harbor, I got my car, which was still at the emergency room, and drove back to Bremerton. I felt empty leaving the hospital. I felt vulnerable. I felt fragile. I was scared to be on my own and in not the greatest situation. But I was ok.

Mr. Purrington was super happy to see me. That made me happy. I was afraid he was going to go the other way and hold a grudge against me for awhile. Cats are finicky like that. But he practically jumped into my arms and I received the head butt to end all head butts. It was adorable. I was SO glad to see him. He's been more clingy too, he's not normal a clingy cat. I'm so glad to be reunited with him again. I missed him so much.

I've tried to keep some kind of schedule since I've been out. I've had my own goal setting "group" in the morning after I wake up. I check in with my mood and make some realistic goals for the day. Then I plan out, hour by hour, what I'd like to do and accomplish for the day. It's been helpful. I haven't followed it to a tee, but it's been good for me to at least have some kind of plan laid out for the day. The structure is very helpful for my mind and my heart.

I practice deep breathing daily. Whenever I feel myself starting to get anxious I take some deep breathes to calm myself and hopefully avoid a panic attack. It's been helpful.

I continue to read and study the material I received. Just a section or two a day, nothing huge. I want to keep these helpful ideas and strategies fresh in my head.

My medication was increased while I was in the hospital. I now take 60 mg of Paxil and 10 mg of Zyprexa. The doctor also gave me Ativan as needed for anxiety.

I'm really grateful for my crisis coping plan, I think I'll do a post dedicated to just that in the near future. I have found it so helpful. I watch for warning signs of a crisis, and act accordingly if I see them. Just today I slept until 1:30pm, and one of my warning signs is too much sleep. So I forced myself to work on a bracelet and then go to the library. I'm disappointed I slept so much today. I was in the good habit of being up for breakfast while in the hospital, and I worry about slipping. But I'm taking one day at a time, it's all I can do. I need to work on being more gentle with myself. I'm doing the best I can.

I've applied with a contracting company that works with people with disabilities. Right now my depression is considered a disability. I talked to the HR assistant and she sent me some forms for Colleen and Rosalee (my psychiatrist) to fill out verifying the illness. I feel hopeful I'll be able to get this job and be able to hold onto it. I haven't felt that all year. So that makes me feel good. Getting a job is the first step to getting me some housing, which would be nice.

So overall I am doing much better than I was pre hospital. I feel hopeful for the first time in well over a year. I'm going to do my best to keep this hopeful feeling. I haven't had overwhelming and bombarding suicidal thoughts since I've been out. That's a huge improvement. Even my self harm thoughts are being kept at bay right now. I'm so grateful for that.

I know it's not going to be a picnic. The after hospital high is wearing off. But I am feeling in control still and have hope in my plan to contine what I learned in the hospital. I feel much more prepared to fight the battles as they come. And for that I am grateful.