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I'm not sure I should have walked out of Kitsap Mental Health today, but I did. Colleen was very concerned. She talked to her supervisor; I had a Designated Mental Health Professional come in and talk to me. The DMHP said she thought I could be safe until Monday, when my next appointment with Colleen is. But ultimately she left it up to me. She would authorize a voluntary inpatient stay somewhere if I didn't think I could keep myself safe. I don't know if I made the right choice. But I walked out and drove home. Suicidal thoughts and urges running rampant through my head, through my body. My arm is cut significantly. I did it last night. I will do it again tonight. I need that release. It concerns me. I feel like it concerns me more than it concerns anyone else. I tried hard to convey how I felt to the DMHP, but she seemed to have her mind made up before she even came in to me. Nice enough lady, but I'm not ok. I left feeling surely I was going to harm myself almost immediately. I stopped at the food bank on the way home and got some bread. After eating a piece or two I felt a little better. I've hardly eaten anything all week. Just haven't been hungry.

I mourn for myself. Not in a selfish or narcissistic way, but a genuine mourning for a loss of life. For a life that never was, never will be. For right now, for a messy and hopeless situation. I mourn for having to choose daily between life and death. For a lack of love. I mourn for what was, when things were ok, and I was ok. It is not easy, deciding what will finally be enough. I have no fight left inside. And I'm scared.

So I walked out today. Time will tell if I made the right choice.