Colleen: I know, and 100% understand, that you are done. You've heard of rock bottom.
Me: Yeah.
Colleen: I think you're there.
Me: Me too.
Colleen: The only way to go is up.
Something has to change. And it has to change now. That was the theme of our therapy session today. I've gotten worse the last several weeks; gone downhill fast. The self harm thoughts and actions, the suicidal ideations. I called the suicide hotline in tears Monday night. It was all I could do to keep from taking action to end my life. I was in so much pain. I was done. The depression had finally won. I'd fought so hard for so long and now there simply wasn't any fight left. In a last ditch effort I called.
And now here I sit. On the cold, stoney ground that is the bottom. The bottom of a deep, narrow pit. It's dark, it's damp. It smells of musk and old mildew. But it's there. It's firm. And I'm here. It feels like I'm alone, but I know I'm not. I can stand on this ground. I can see people above me on higher ground, reaching their hands down for me to hold onto. The walls are steep, the climb will be difficult. But there is light at the top. And there is no where to go but up.
And I feel empty. Drained. I feel fragile. But I'm not. I'm as strong as the stone beneath me. It will not be easy. I'm wary of the fights ahead. But after the downward spiral I couldn't control, after watching my life crumble around me, after feeling utterly hopeless and drained of all worth, after the monster of depression strangled my will to survive...
There is no where to go, but up.
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