11:45 p.m.

I wish I had something glamorous to say. Something profound and inspiring. Some kind of wisdom or knowledge to share. Advice to give. But I don't. Instead I have tears to shed. Questions to ask. Dreams to watch shatter. Instead my heart is breaking. I can feel it burst inside me. I try to quiet my sobs in my blanket.

It's been a really bad day.

I hurt more than I know how to put into words. Every ounce of my body feels pain. My stomach hurts. My back hurts. My head hurts. My heart hurts. And thats the worst hurt of all.

I feel as if there is no good in the world for me. I feel defeated. I feel spent. I feel wiped of all good and all dreams that I once held dear. I feel forgotten. I feel empty. I feel unloved. I feel my efforts to love and be loved have been in vain.

I wish I had kidney disease, cancer, liver failure. I wish I had a disease that on its own would take me. I wish I had something that could be seen. Something that could be physically diagnosed with scientific tests in fancy laboratories.  Something that would require constant physical intervention. Something where I wouldn't have to fight alone. Something where I wouldn't be forgotten.

My cat. He keeps my heart going. If it wasn't for his dependence on me, I would have nothing to live for. I feel I have no one who needs me in their daily life. I see everyone having someone, but me. I feel so alone.

I see no reason to go on. My heart is in a million pieces on the floor right now. And every one of those pieces hurts. They ache. I ache. I hurt so much.

I see no way out of this.