Good Days

I think it's important to recognize and realize when you're having a good day. Good, I suppose, being a relative term. For example yesterday I had a "good" day. It wasn't good by any means. But it was the best day I've had in months. I did some hard things and was successful at them, and felt a sense of accomplishment when I was finished. That, for right now, I can consider a good day. But, I've also had good days in the literal sense. Days full of small gems, where I could genuinely smile and laugh, days where the black cloud of depression wasn't looming so close overhead. And I recognize those days as they happen. Even if those days are mere hours, or moments. They still happen, they're still there.

I had a therapist tell me one time that our good times and our good days help to buoy us through the hard times. They provide a cushion for our hard times to land on and help to make them perhaps not so difficult or painful. I've always kept that image in my mind. I can remember a good time even many years past that can provide a softer break to the fall. And that safe cushion has saved my life on more than one occasion.

Colleen always begins our sessions by asking what my successes were for the week. I hate answering that question. I feel like I am failing at life, so have an extremely difficult time coming up with successes. But we don't move on until we talk about things I have succeeded in during the week. Now as I know the question is coming, I am able to look for a success I can share with her. I can realize I do hard things every day, even if that's simply getting out of bed. That is a success! And it's something to be proud of.

Many years ago I had to keep a daily diary card of emotions I felt throughout the day. There were the usual emotions we think of when we think of depression: sadness, anger, envy, shame, etc. But there was also joy and love. Because it is just as important to recognize those emotions throughout your day as it is to recognize and focus on the negative.  Like having to name a weekly success, we can train our minds to notice when good things happen to us too.

Maybe not all days will be good. Maybe there's only an hour a day when your mind and your heart don't hurt as much. Realize that. Recognize that in that moment you feel content. Say it to yourself, out loud if you can. Life is so incredibly hard. I talked with someone yesterday and had to share what has been going on the last several months and during that time, as I was saying it all out loud, I realized and thought to myself wow, my life sucks. I have been through some incredibly difficult times recently no wonder I'm so depressed! But there I was, talking to a stranger and getting more help and doing scary things, but succeeding in that moment! And that was good. I did not feel good. But for a moment there was a break in the cloud and I could feel a cushion forming.

Keep going. You are succeeding. You take those curve balls life throws at you and you run. It is not easy. Nothing about this journey has been easy. But fight. Give it your all. You will win. And when you have those good moments, no matter how fleeting or how few and far between they are, take notice. You are not alone. And you are worth it.