Today

Today was hard. My heart ached all day. I tried to do things I tend to enjoy, I went to the library, I sat by the water for a long time, I drove around for a bit... but the ache still remains. The tears are still there.

Some days just hurt. Sometimes it doesn't matter what you do to try and pull yourself out of it, or at least lessen the pain a bit, it just hurts. Today was one of those days.

I got a new job. I didn't want it. I want to get away from CNA work, I'm burnt out. It pays significantly more than the other agency I worked for and it's much more local, two big factors for switching agencies and I am grateful I got on board with them. But, it hurts my heart still. This isn't what I'm meant to do. I apply for everything I can all the time, and nothing ever turns out. I want to work with animals. I want to do anything but what I'm doing. And I know that because my heart aches.

I like having definite answers. I don't like surprises, I don't like the unknown. I don't thrive on change. I just feel there are so many things in my life right now in this horrible gray area that I need to be either black or white. It's hard.

My car is falling apart. (That may be slightly dramatic.) It needs a new alternator belt, new front brakes. It's needed these for a long time. But money is tight. I'm behind on the payments, the credit union collection lady has been calling me again. I don't know what to do with it. I can't afford to keep it, I can't afford to fix it, I can't afford to sell it. I love the car. I wish I had the money to make it right.

I'm not sleeping. Gemma is worried about that. I've started keeping a sleep log of all the times I wake up in the night. My sleep is so broken, I am so tired 24/7 I can barely function. It's wearing.

It just hurts. That's all. My heart just hurts today.