Guest Post: Zach

Many months ago Sara asked me if I'd write again for her blog. I agreed before I knew what to write to about, I still am unsure what words or story will end up here. I've thought about writing what my experience was like while Sara was at St. Anthony's, the times visiting her and then not being able to remember where I parked my car. I thought about writing a follow up to my previous guest post, then I thought there's no way I can top that so why try. Now as I'm typing I'm working a double shift (swing through overnight) and have been reading Brene Brown's book "Braving the Wilderness". I'm about a fourth to a third of the way through. That's when the thought struck me-I could be writing for Sara's blog, so here goes. Previously I shared my life story. To summarize- I'm a transgender individual who loves baseball, Star Trek, and Ender's Game.

A couple summer's ago while I was working in wilderness therapy as a field guide (arguably best job ever to date). A client shared with me that unless you're trans you don't understand what it's like. I've thought of this phrase often. I've been fortunate enough to now have worked with several transgender individuals, all of whom have shared a similar sentiment with me. I couldn't agree more. How does one explain the feeling of knowing that the physical sex of your body does not match up with the gender of the brain. All fetuses physical bodies start as female, this is known. There are studies out there that show that the brain of a transgender individual most closely matches the brain of a cisgender person of the same gender identity, this is known. So what is that feeling of the gender of the brain-where gender lives and forms before sex of the physical body-and the sex of the body don't match. Gender disphoria (the condition of feeling one's emotional and psychological identity as male or female to be opposite to one's biological sex) I believe is the technical term.  Ok but what does that mean? I don't know. I know that I don't like to take long showers because of it. I know that I have other issues mostly with body image because of it.

I believe that the prime directive of feelings is to provide us information. The information that I was taking in as a youngling was primarily anger and confusion. At the time  I didn't know why. I didn't know what transgender was and didn't even hear the term gender identity disorder until much later. A term that I disagree with, my identity is not a disorder. Yet I had feelings and strong feelings too. Using my now thirty years of experience looking back on my younger self I would add two more emotions I felt often and strongly they are lonely and fear. Let me explain lonely. I knew I was different, yet I didn't know how or why. I knew I wasn't gay that made no sense to me. I knew I wasn't attracted to the opposite sex or gender either. I didn't know why and still don't know why for that matter. I could sense that there were very few others like me ( 0.3-0.5% of the population is transgender, that's a very small number). Now for fear. I had fear that I wouldn't fit in anywhere, that I did something wrong in the eyes of god. Why else would I have no "normal" feelings of attraction. Surely I was being punished for something, maybe I wasn't faithful enough in the previous life, maybe I barely made it back to god's side before lucifer was cast out. The gender aspect didn't cross my mind until I was in my twenties and by then I felt strongly enough that either god knew  I was a mistake and that I was always meant to be a cismale or I would chose in the next life to live as me, Zach, and just not be in heaven.  Either way I think I've mostly found peace with this idea. I still have these fears though. Growing up in a religious household how could I not have these feelings of fear.

So how does it feel to be a transgender individual, lonely which for me is most often expressed as anger, confusion, and fear. How many of you out there in the great world have these feelings? How many know what it's like to be angry and not necessarily know why? How many are confused with some aspect of your life? How many feel alone, like no one understands you or where you're coming from? How many fear that god is mad at them and thus punishing them for one reason or another? I will never know what it's like to be a gay individual or a person of color in this country. I do know what it's like to feel lonely and afraid. Maybe though I can relate to similar feelings that my friends of color have. Maybe I can relate to the kid who feels they have no one they can turn to because they are democratic leaning in a family of republican leaning members. If feelings give us information and if we share information to get to know others and learn new things, why not use our feelings to get know each other and to relate to one another. Humans have a need to connect and belong. That need is a hard and sometimes a scary one to meet.  This is a challenge that I have taken on and one that I encourage you to take on as well. It's hard and scary and sometimes it backfires...and sometimes magic happens.