Melancholy

I remember hearing about a man who was receiving some kind of service, I believe in a bank, when after quite awhile it was discovered that he and the teller had a common good friend. Then he said, "It's a good thing I was nice to her (the teller)." That's always bothered me. Why did there need to be a condition placed on being nice to another human being? Why not be nice because being nice is the right thing to do? No one likes a slow line. No one likes having unanswered questions. And no one likes another human being to be rude to them when they're just trying to do the best they can. I learned from that experience to always treat people above and beyond how I would expect to be treated, so in the end everyone wins. I feel better. And I've treated my fellow human beings with kindness, whether things were going my way or not. I know I did what I could to brighten someone's day. Or at least not make it worse. No conditions placed. No conditions needed.

I'm in a melancholy mood right now. I feel low, I think it's from coming off the Olanzapine. I don't feel bad. I feel a little sad, mostly just empty. I have no motivation. The smallest tasks are monumental in size. I take it easy, small baby steps. I moved from the bed to the couch. But I got out of bed, so that's a success. Yesterday I did my dishes. That was a huge success. This is what it is to be depressed, as I've talked about before. No tears, no panic, no harmful thoughts, no... nothing. Just existing. But I have to count existing as a success. And it's good that I can see that right now, that is progress. I just have a familiar melancholy ache in my heart right now.

I think a lot about the hospital, and my time there. That was a turning point in my life. People there just got it. I didn't have to explain feeling low, they just understood. I didn't feel alone there, though I was all alone. It was nice to be accepted as is. It was good to finally realize I wasn't alone in the battle. That people understood and cared and tried to make things better. And no one thought I was out of my mind. I'm grateful for my time at Cherry Hill.

It was supposed to rain today. Instead it is a beautiful, sunshiney day. A bit windy, but not a dark cloud in sight. I'm grateful for the sunshine. It reminds me that things get better.

And that life can shine again.