Healing

I feel awake enough to blog! This is a big deal. Over the last several months I haven't been able to keep my eyes open throughout the day. Needless to say, I wasn't functioning. I had my sleep study done and they found out I stopped breathing an average of 38 times an hour and had a low O2 level of 82. No wonder I wasn't rested, ever. I've been on the cpap machine for a few days now. It's not an overnight miracle worker, but today I noticed I am still tired, but after an hour nap I have been awake the rest of the day!  I actually had to fix myself breakfast and lunch! So that's a super good thing going on in my life. Finally a solution and some relief to that giant wall of a problem.

I'm almost off Olanzapine. And my psychiatrist has put me on Latuda. It's a brand new medication. I've been on it for a few days now and I can already tell the difference. I was feeling pretty bummed there for awhile. I didn't like that. It was worrisome for me and I was getting scared. So I'm grateful for this new medication and for a doctor who listens and cares.

I've been able to have short text message conversations with my mom recently. This is the first time in years I've been able to handle any kind of contact with her without having an anxiety attack. I think this means I'm healing. I'm becoming ok with myself, and coming to terms with the dynamics of our relationship, or lack thereof, really as the case may be. I never thought I could get to this place. I never ever thought I could have contact with her and be ok with it. I am so proud of myself for taking the time and allowing myself to have the needed healing take place. Does this mean I want to be buddy buddies or see her, no. I'm not there yet. Baby steps, slowly. I'll always have a guard up, always be careful what I say or share. The wounds are far too great to allow any kind of close relationship ever again. I won't forget, but I can forgive. And I can be at peace with myself. I am grateful for a healing heart.

And a healing life.