I Don't Feel Well Today

Ugh. I don't feel well. I'm really bummed with how I feel, how I've been feeling. I'm bummed that taking me off the Olanzapine has had such a direct affect on me. I hate thinking I'm that dependant on medication, even though logically I know that shouldn't matter. Lots of people are dependant on medication, and it's ok that I am. But I don't feel that way. I feel I shouldn't be dependant on medication. I want to be able to feel good on my own, and not wholly rely on meds. But that isn't my reality. And it disappoints me. Dr. Barkin is increasing the Latuda while decreasing the Olanzapine, so hopefully that helps.

I haven't been able to get off the couch. My goal today was to pick up the trash around the apartment. I made the goal last night, and I still haven't been able to get myself to do it. I know in my head it'd be quick and easy, but I just can't get myself to do it. I have six more hours in the day, hopefully I'll be able to achieve my goal. It may seem small to others, but it's monumenteous to me.

I've had recurring self harm thoughts for a few days now. I don't like this at all. I haven't had self harm thoughts for many months and the fact that they're creeping back into my head alarms me. I don't want to go down that path again. There's been a couple urges, but mostly thoughts right now. I haven't acted on any of them, which is good. I just don't know what I'll do if they get worse and I can no longer control them.

I'm supposed to see Callie on Tuesday. I haven't made it to my last several scheduled appointments. I haven't been able to bring myself to go in. I'm going to try really hard to see her this week. Maybe talking will help. I just have to be proactive and be completely honest with how things are going, because she isn't very intuitive and if I don't bring anything up, she won't ask. She's a nice person, just not a good therapist. At least not for me.

I feel a knot in my stomach, I feel tears that want to fall. I feel a hollow ache in my chest. I can't make myself get up. I am in survival mode; I've eaten, I've fed Mr. Purrington. Those are positives. I just feel so awful today.