Self harm generally starts as a way of coping with problems. It helps to express feelings that you're not able to put into words. It releases emotional pain and helps to distract you from life. It is a way to have control over something, anything, when your life feels out of control. Self harm can make you feel alive when you feel numb inside. Feeling something, even pain, is still feeling.
To get to the point of self harming, a deep emotional hurt has or is happening. There is often a connection between self harm and childhood trauma. Many people who self harm have deep rooted issues with self esteem. They see self harming behavior as deserved, or as a way to punish what they see as a worthless life.
Every act we do is done because it fulfills a purpose, and self harm is no exception. Although temporary, self harming does help you feel better. There is a great release of tension, anxiety, and self loathing when the act is finished. It has given you a choice when there didn't seem any choice was available.
But, it is a temporary release. Once the initial stressor has passed, many people feel a sense of shame towards the self harming act. They're embarrassed or think no one will understand. They then try to hide the self harm, often wearing long sleeves or pants even when it's summertime.
Generally there is a difference between self harm behavior and suicidal behavior and this is important to note. Self harming is a way to cope with pain before suicide becomes an option. Self injury can actually be a way to help one go on living. It's also important to note though that people who self harm have a much higher risk of suicide, so it is important to seek help.
Signs of self harm include: unexplained wounds or scars, blood stains on clothing, bedding, or blood stained tissues, sharp objects in the person's belongings, frequent "accidents"- sometimes those who self harm claim to be clumsy or accident prone so as to cover up their injuries. Again, wearing out of season clothing to cover up cuts or burns. Needing to be alone for long periods of time, and finally isolation and irritability can be signs of self injurious behavior.
What can you do to help someone who self harms? It can be very alarming and scary to find out a loved one engages in self harm. Remember, if they have confided this to you, they have a deep sense of trust that you will not betray their feelings. Remain calm and acknowledge your own feelings, whether they be shock, confusion, or even disgust. Acknowledging your own feelings is an important first step in helping a loved one. Focus on their feelings that led up to the self harm act, not on the act itself. Ask them if the want advice or simply need to release their secret with someone they trust. Learn what your loved one needs. Don't judge! It will only make things worse. Don't tell them it's silly or unnecessary. Don't tell them they have no reason to be self harming. Refrain from saying anything that shames them, such as the self harm acts make their body unattractive. Don't ask why they do it. Instead offer support and encourage communication. Listen without judgment. Reassure your loved one that they are not alone in this fight.
While it is ideal to stop the self harm acts, often it isn't as easy as it may sound. Self harming can become addicting and your loved one may not even want to stop. Remember, the self injurious act is fulfilling a need that isn't being fulfilled any other way. While the relief is real, in the long run self harm doesn't treat the issues that make you want to hurt yourself in the first place.
There are more effective ways of self soothing, but they take time to learn and master and it is often a very painful process, and you have to want them to help you. This is where outside help is vital- the support and encouragement given from a loved one can mean the difference between success or not. Identify your self harm triggers. What makes you want to self harm? When you learn to recognize those feelings you can start developing healthier alternatives to self harm. If you're having trouble pinpointing the triggering feelings, you may need to work in emotional awareness- knowing what you are feeling and why. It's the ability to identify and express what you feel from moment to moment and to understand the connection between your feelings and your actions.
It can be a long, hard road to recovery, an upward battle. I still struggle with self harm. It has become an addiction and at times is still my only means of self preservation. I know and I can preach all day on how I understand where it starts, how it fulfills needs, how there are healthier ways of coping. I know these things in my mind and in my heart... but I still struggle. It still hurts. I have successful days, weeks, months, even years. But the urge and need to self harm is always there. It probably always will be. I still carry a small razor blade with me in my wallet. It is my protection, my shield against the wounds I face. Someday I hope to be able to follow my own advice and find healthier alternatives to the act, to be able to leave the razor behind for good. But for now, I am where I am in the healing process, and I am ok with that.
I am not ashamed of my self harm. I know I have significant, visible scarring and in some way I am proud of my scars. They're times when I fought a battle against myself and I won. For now it is ok for me to look at it that way. I am open to discussions and questions about self harming. No I do not think self harming is wrong. Yes someday I hope to be able to stop, but I am not ready and do not want that day to be today. I very deeply understand how complicated it is, how scary it can be, and I am here to help.
Please, as always remember that you are not alone in this fight. You are cared for an loved beyond measure. I am here for you and together we can be unstoppable. You are worth more than any secret or any doubt you may have. You are never alone.
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