Teetering

I haven't gotten out of bed for three days now. I have a box of cereal next to my bed I snack on when I'm hungry. I forget to take my pills most nights. I managed to shower last night. But I haven't gotten out of bed today.

For two and a half weeks I had company. First my sister, then my brother. It was constant go. I had to be on more than I was able. By the end I felt like I was dying. I was literally losing my ability to move. My feet were swollen to three times their normal size, my knees were stiff, my thighs wouldn't lift my legs anymore... I had pushed myself past my limits and not just mentally, but physically I was shutting down. But I had to keep going.

Now I'm crying in my bed. Feeling like I failed. Like I always fail. Always will fail. I can't function normally in society. And I teeter. Back and forth. Back and forth. What's worth it anymore? Life or death. Back and forth.

This isn't a fun place to be. Teetering on the edge like this, so often. I don't enjoy this. But I can't seem to change either. I haven't decided yet if my life is worth anything to me. And I think that's a huge part of the problem. My life is meaningless to me. I feel worthless. So what's the point in going on? In trying? I'm exhausted. Teetering back and forth between wanting to live and wanting to die. Grasping for hope and aching for relief.

This is my life. Far too often. More than it should be. Teetering.

I don't feel well today.