Five Weeks And Three Days

Today is five weeks and three days since my last, and final, ECT. And, I feel good. I was nervous when four weeks passed, but every day since then I've said to myself "I feel good." I've smiled more, I've laughed more. I've been able to do more things that I used to enjoy. The other day I got out the watercolors. That was monumental for me. It felt good.

So, is the depression gone. No, I still feel it. I feel it in my lack of motivation to do nearly anything still. Just because I do, doesn't mean I want to. But I CAN, and there's the difference. I can feel a fight in my head still to think negative thoughts. I do not feel suicidal. I do not want to die. I feel worthwhile. But, death is just a thought that is always there. I can die, if needed. If things become difficult, it's always an option. It just is. This is how I feel. I hope though that it never comes to that. There are things I love that keep me around. I love Lord Midnight. He needs me. I love flowers. I have seven beautiful pots of flowers on my balcony. I love seeing them everyday. They bring me such happiness. I love watching M*A*S*H, and Star Trek, much to my families delight. Hahaha. I love being crafty. I love my family. I love my friends.

Speaking of friends. During my last visit with my ECT psychiatrist she asked me how my friendships have weathered the severe depression. I feel honored and blessed to have been able to say my friends have stood by me and cared for me and done everything they can for me during all this. They've loved me and that's healed me. I have the best friends and we've come through the depression probably stronger than before. Never have I been a burden. Dr. Allen just beamed and said how wonderful that is. I am truly, truly lucky.

I do want to ask for help. Help in watching and seeing how I am doing. Sometimes I can't see it myself when I start to slide. One thing my brother and I have come up with is a weekly cleaning schedule for me to follow. When I am having a hard time cleanliness slides to the bottom of the list. So this cleaning schedule is a really good way for me, and others, to measure how I am doing. Monday is the kitchen, my least favorite. Tuesday is the bathroom, my second least favorite. Hahaha. Wednesday is the living room. Thursday is the bedroom. And Friday is laundry. So far I've kept up with the schedule! It does feel really nice to be able to clean and have it feel good when I'm done. I feel accomplished and I want to keep that feeling.

So, as close as I can with Major Depressive Disorder, I'm enjoying my life. I take one day at a time. One moment at a time. My life is simple and that's exactly how I want it. And today, I am grateful.