Feeling Better

I haven't written in awhile. But that's actually a good thing. I've been feeling good for awhile now. I just need to write when I feel good too haha.

It's been quite the month. My Grandma Gowans died on April 14th. I was supposed to have an ECT on the 19th, but ended up in Utah instead for her funeral. So I rescheduled my ECT for the 25th. That once again put five weeks between treatments. I wrote about my five weeks last time it happened. It was rough. I was really nervous to have to go five weeks again this time, but! it was ok. I did fine. I didn't notice a dip at all in my mood at four weeks or beyond. I don't know if it's because I was very distracted last week, with all the familyness, or if perhaps I'm healing enough to go five weeks now? Either way I am so grateful that I did ok. That my mood stayed up. That I conquered. I have another ECT scheduled for May 23. I also have an appointment with Dr. Allen, my ECT psychiatrist, on the 8th to discuss further treatments and where we should go from here. I know this is going to be up to me mostly, with input from Dr. Allen as well. But ultimately it's my decision whether I continue or not. And I'm honestly not sure what to do. ECT has changed my life and given me hope back, I certainly don't want that to go away. But I also do want to be done. Mostly because it's so damn expensive. So, I'll discuss all this with her at my 8th appointment and we'll see what we decide to do. I would like all observations on how I'm doing. The input I get from my peers is very important to me.

I miss Mr. Purrington. Having my Grandma die brought up all that emotion again. And I miss him so much. But I am truly grateful for a new kitty, Lord Midnight. He's so different from Mr. Purrington, it kind of amazes me. But I just love him and I'm so grateful he's part of my life.

I have another doctor appointment on the 7th with my primary care to discuss my meds. I'm not going to have her change anything. My meds have been where they should since I got out of the hospital in October. Just refills this time!

I'm not seeing a therapist right now. I had the opportunity to see someone at Peninsula Community Health Services, but I only saw her once several months ago. I'm doing ok on my own right now. Should I need a therapist in the future I know how to get one at PCHS.

I still struggle with some things. I don't want to die anymore, but death is always in the back of my head. It's always an option should things get bad again. I'm trying not to have it be, but I guess after years and years of fighting the suicidality it sort of just sticks. I struggle with energy to get stuff done. I struggle with keeping myself and my place clean. But I'm doing it. Things are struggles, but I can overcome. And for that I'm proud.

So, overall, I can't complain right now. I feel alright, life is going alright. I just keep on keeping on. It's what I do.