Four Weeks

I had an ECT on January 17th. I was supposed to go in at my four weeks to have my next one, on February 14th. For a couple reasons, I couldn't find a ride that day but also we had that bloody snowpocalypse that week so I wouldn't have been able to go anyway. It simply wasn't safe. So I had to reschedule my ECT for the next week, February 21st. That would make five weeks between ECTs.

It was too long. I felt myself slipping that last week.

Dr. Allen, my ECT psychiatrist, told me when I saw her in January that some people can go five weeks between treatments, but most people can't do that. Most people go four and that's their max.

It's apparently my max. On Sunday, the 17th is when I noticed I really wasn't feeling good. I felt down, sad, depressed, no motivation and no energy. And really I felt SO disappointed. So annoyed. Why was I slipping? I thought I had overcome this burden. At least more than this. I would like to know I can go more than four weeks between treatments. But, I can't.

And that's ok. I whined and moaned on Facebook about this and how disappointed I was that I was slipping and how I felt a sense of failure that this was happening. My dear, wise friend had this to say, "I think it’s so good that you’re in tune with yourself enough to notice. And, in a way, I think it’s good you weren’t able to go last week so you could find this out. It’s important information. Not a failure at all. I’d call it a success to be able to recognize your needs. In time you’ll probably be able to go 6 weeks and then 8 weeks and so on. It’s good to know, for now, that every 4 weeks is best." That caused me to really stop and think. I hadn't thought of things in this way before. But I am in tune with myself. I do know what I'm feeling. And I do know what I need. And you know what? It's ok to need ECT every four weeks. This has been almost a life long issue, it's ok to need monthly maintenance to maintain. The ECT psychiatrist who did my ECT on Thursday, I can't remember his name, he said this dang snowpocalypse caused a lot of people to miss their ECTs last week. But he was hopeful still that I was good at four weeks and wanted to keep me at a four week maintenance schedule. Which I agreed with.

So, I can't go longer than four weeks between treatments. And I may have to continue monthly maintenance after April. And that's ok. It is a success to stay maintained for four weeks and to know that then I need a reboot. 

AND THAT'S OK.