Hurting

Is this really my life? Is this it? This mundane, noxious day to day survival?

I'm reminded of what a dear friend told me, something she'd heard or read. Depression lies. It tells you you're worthless, that you have no purpose. That no one loves you. That you'll never amount to anything and that your life just isn't important enough to go on.

I know depression lies. I know that. I know my life is overall quite good. I have a lovely apartment that I was able to get through charitable means, that still amazes me. I have a car I love and gets me around safely, even if it is an ugly old clunker. I have an amazing loyal cat who brings me so much joy and who I love more than anything. I have a group of dear friends who have given me the shirts off their backs time and time again, and who have shown me so much love I feel like my heart is going to burst, and I am so very grateful. I have enough food and water. I have my brother here who has never been anything but patient and kind to me. I know for all intents and purposes I have a great life. I. Know. That. I have no reason to feel my life is worthless.

But I do. Every damn day is a fight for survival. And you know what? I'm sick of it. I'm angry. I hate this so much. Why do I feel like this? Why has it gotten so bad these past few years? Why won't it go away? I have done and am doing everything I can think of to lift this depression, but it isn't working. Why is it so resistant to help? This isn't fair. I hate it. Is this seriously my life? Because I'm sick of living it. Why do I continue to take my medication daily? What is it doing? Why do I bother getting out of bed? With everything I know, and it seems no matter how much love is shown me, I feel worthless and that this life is just a stupid joke and I'm ready for it to be done.

 

What do I do? What do I change? How else am I supposed to challenge my thoughts and find a new way to think? I'm exhausted. I feel stupid. I feel like people are going to give up on me because of this illness. I feel so yucky inside, every day. It makes no sense. With all the patience and love shown me from countless good and kind people, why doesn't this demon go away? I just can't believe this is my life. It's no life. It makes no sense.

I am hurting today.