Boredom

It's like watching paint dry. It's so dull. Depression is very, very boring. More than anything right now, I am bored. And yet I've been sitting here staring at these few sentences for over an hour now, not able to focus enough to finish my thoughts. Depression sucks. I can't focus on reading, though I have many books I want to read. My mind just goes numb. It says no when I want it to say yes. Dr. Van Meter and I talked about this, about the boredom that comes with depression. He suggested I do something meaningful, like volunteer somewhere once a week or so. Something to add meaning and value to my life. But it's overwhelming. My mind hits the stop button when I think of having to have this commitment once a week. I don't know if I can do it. But I want to do something. Anything besides lay on the couch and stare into space for hours on end. I get asked what I do. Surely you must do something. Must I? Because I don't. I don't have the energy or the willpower to do anything. So I sit and stare. I sleep. Not at night, but I sleep off and on throughout the day. Some days I'm only awake for four hours a day. I sleep a lot. It passes time. Back to doing something to bring meaning to my life... The thought is scary. It's hard to understand that I literally can't. I can't move. I barely function enough to survive. I just can't. And no amount of telling me to just do it is going to change that. It's like I'm broken. It's hard to explain and unless you've been there it's also hard to understand. I get that. What to do, what to do? I've been in contact with the library. I might try volunteering there for a couple hours a week. It seems quiet and low stress. Perhaps I can manage. But, I don't know. Dr. Van Meter also upped my Wellbutrin to 300 mg, but I've only been on it for three days. Way too soon to tell if it'll help and give me the energy necessary to get out of the apartment. I hate being depressed. I hate it so much. I hate how it feeds and bleeds into all aspects of life. I have no energy, I'm bored yet can't concentrate on doing anything to lift that boredom. So I sit and stew, and get more depressed. Then my life seems pointless and I start thinking of death and it just spirals downhill so quickly. I think that's why sleep has been so effective lately. I don't sit and ruminate. It serves a function, or I wouldn't do it. I don't know. I don't feel horrible, but I am horribly depressed. So I sit and twiddle my thumbs. It's all I can do.