Hanging On

I am hanging on. Dr. Van Meter upped my Welbutrin again to 200mg last week when I saw him. I'm beginning  to feel it starting to work. I don't feel good, I still feel like I'm moving in molasses, but I can say I feel better. And that's progress. I missed my appointment with Callie this week because I couldn't wake up and get out of bed. I felt bad about that. But I rescheduled so I will see both her and the doctor next Monday. It's a lot for me, but I do like getting everything taken care of while I'm there.

I was able to go grocery shopping the other day, which I was really proud of myself for. I'd been living off or ramen noodles for too long. One of the self care things Callie went over with me is to buy the ingredients and make myself my favorite meal. My favorite meal is nachos with ketchup. Yes, I love ketchup on my nachos. It makes it so sweet and delicious. I had a little extra this trip so I even bought olives, sour cream, and guacamole for my nachos. They were delicious. And super easy to put together. I even had leftovers for lunch today. It felt good to be able to do that for myself. My appetite has been shit lately, I've lost 18 pounds in a little over a month from not eating. And I'm sure my ramen noodle diet hasn't helped that. But I've tried to cut back on the soda and drink more water and I think that has helped too.

I've colored a little bit more this past week. I haven't colored in a long time. That was nice and felt good. My coloring spurts are short, as my attention is nil, but some is better than none again.

I still struggle with suicidal ideations. I dread when the depression will return and wonder how long these improvements will actually last. But I'm not actively thinking and planning on suicide right now.  I haven't cut myself since my relapse a couple weeks ago and my arm is healing fine. Just more scars is all.

I'm so grateful for all the support I've received these past few weeks. All the texts and messages people have sent me to let me know they're thinking about me. This is what pulls me through the ridiculously rough times. Knowing people love me is such a huge factor in my life. Knowing I don't have to be alone if I don't want to be. It makes a difference. Those who stand by the sides of people with mental illness are angels on earth. I truly believe that, because I know it is not easy and can take a toll. But when I feel like I am not a burden to someone, it makes all the difference in the world.

That's my update. I'm hanging on.