Ramblings

Well, I'm still here. Despite almost every inch of me not wanting to be, I hang in there. The weeks are hard. The days are long. The nights are the worst. Those wee morning hours when it's dark and still. They can be hard. It's lonely. I fight every night with wanting to hurt myself, lately it's been overdosing on pills. I research toxic combinations when it's hard at night. I'm not overly happy with that fact, but it's real and it's something I struggle with. The bridge doesn't really call me right now, so much effort... I have no effort to give this. Everyone tells me lately suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Whatever. It doesn't feel temporary. I know the feelings of pain and despair will subside, that's what emotions do. But they'll be back. They'll always be back. And each time it's harder and harder to fight. I feel like as I get older the harder the fight becomes. Maybe I'm wearing out. I just don't have it in me anymore.

I worked hard this last week at my therapy. Callie gave me a nice list of techniques and distractions to try when things get too difficult. I did almost all of them. She gave me more this past Monday when I went in again. It's hard work, it's much easier to just stay on the couch and be miserable. But I'm trying. Dr. Van Meter upped my Welbutrin again to 200 mg. Hopefully that kicks in soon and doesn't take weeks. But it probably will. It usually does.

So, that's life. I exist. I give up on living and thriving. Doesn't seem to be my lot in life. I just am kind of here for some sick entertainment.

I think I'll go make some brownies.