On Turning 40

It's 12:01 on October 28, 2020. Happy Birthday to me. 

I'm usually a huge birthday person. I love birthdays. They're my favorite to celebrate. I just love that there's a day just for you, to celebrate YOU and your life. But, the longer the day worn on yesterday, the 27th of October, the worse I felt. This sense of doom and gloom just lingered over me. For the first time in my life, I was not happy about having a birthday and felt zero excitement in the upcoming day.

I turn 40 today. Forty. The big 4 - 0. I remember turning 30. No longer in my 20s. I felt great. I was happy, healthy, life was going good and I loved embracing turning 30. I remember I felt powerful that day. I felt like a princess. I felt a turn in my life that day and excitedly embraced a new chapter of life.

But today, now, it's 12:14 a.m. I feel, well, kind of sad. Grief, I feel grief. I didn't know I would feel this way at all. I have been joking all year about turning 40, and others have joked with me and that's been completely fine! But suddenly it's today, it's really here and happening. And now suddenly it isn't fine anymore.

Interesting to me. Very interesting.

So what should I do? How do I accept what is and let go of what was? When I'm not even sure exactly what is, or what was to let go of.

I feel like this. I feel like my life is half over and I havent done a damn thing with the 40 years I've had. And I feel I'm getting too old to start anything new. I feel grief over that. Grief and anger. Have I wasted my whole life away? I mean really, what have I done? What have I done to show for having been around for 40 years? And way more than when I turned 30, I feel changes in my body that I don't like. I can no longer just jump up at a moments notice whenever I want without moaning and groaning about how everything hurts. I can't sleep like I used to, yet I can't stay awake like I used to either. I can no longer eat ice cream and Milky Ways for breakfast without gaining five pounds and feeling sick for the rest of the day. I feel myself being so out of touch with "kids" today, what's "hip" and cool. I have no idea who's on the Billboard Top 100. Or if that's even still a thing... I'm at a place right now where I'm everything I always said I never would be.

How has that even happened?

It's 12:33 a.m. I'm tired. Let me think, actually let me sleep, then I'll look for some answers. Goodnight.

Well. It's now 4:47 p.m. Technically I was born at 4:33 p.m. so I am actually 40 now. And, it's been a good day. I don't feel the doom and gloom that I felt yesterday. I just kind of feel a calm, this just is. I'm starting a new chapter in my life. Today is a day not just of being powerful, but of being empowered. I am in control of my life and it is going the direction I want it to go. And that feels good. And, it's taken forty years to get to this point. That's a long time, it really is, I can accept that. But wow, I take a moment to reflect and look back and I have come so far. I have moved and twisted and shifted and I have come out on top of the world. I have conquered obstacles I thought bigger than myself and I have learned to love and accept myself and that, my friends, is the greatest lesson I have ever learned. I am so grateful to have had these forty years to work on becoming who I am today. I'm proud of all I have done and have overcome and have accomplished thus far.

So on turning 40. It really isn't that bad after all. I have a feeling the best is yet to come. And that feels so good. 

One Year And Counting

I will never forget the moment the doctor said to me "what do you think about ECT?" ECT really? For me? The thought was scary. I said "I'm not sure." We talked about it some more; he showed me a video of someone receiving an ECT. Which both relieved and added to my fear. It was relieving to see it happen and that everything was alright, but it was also unnerving to watch someone have an induced seizure. Mostly though, as scared as I was, I felt that ECT was the correct course for me to take. Was it crazy? Absolutely! ECT for reals?! This is nuts. But, it was also my last chance. Live or die.

It's been a year since my final ECT. And every day I am in awe of its workings. If you were to tell me 18 months ago that ECT would change my life, I definitely would've laughed at you. Nothing, I thought, could make me feel better or help improve my life. I was done. But still, I gave it a shot.

And how grateful I am that I did. I am grateful for ECT. As wild and scary as it seems. It's made me kinder, gentler, more compassionate. It's given me my life back to a degree. There are things that I just can't do anymore, the depression forever robbed me of many things in my life, but ECT gave me some back. My mood is generally good. I can smile now and mean it. And while it is still ridiculously tough to brush my teeth, or go outside to check my mail, I can still feel good. I am thankful for the doctors and nurses who helped me along the way and who performed my ECTs. I am thankful for all those who took me to ECT. 25 over six months. That's a lot. And I am so grateful. I just am so grateful that I was part of the 80% success rate of ECT. It's a miracle and it worked. And I am forever changed.

100th Post!

This is my 100th post! When I first started this blog I thought it'd be easy to write 100 posts. I wasn't right. Hahaha. But five years later, here we are!

My first post is dated Feb 20, 2015. Since then my blog has received 10,891 hits, averaging roughly 110 hits per post. My highest visited post has received 388 hits, and my lowest has received 16. So you can do some figuring and reasoning there, should you be interested. :-)

To celebrate 100 blog posts, I thought it'd be fun to do a 100 fun things about me list. Or a questionnaire getting to know you type thing. Maybe 100 way to practice self care. 100 unique things about me...? I searched for a good long while for just the right list I could use to inspire a blog post. I couldn't find one.

So, instead I'll ask, what's on your mind? Haha I used to date a guy who would ask me that. I always said "nothing". What a dumb question, I thought, always. Hahaha. ANYWAYS. Another time, another story. How can you sum up into one or two sentences and verbally speak allowed all that is on your mind?

But really, what's on your mind?

I think about the possibility of a future a lot now. It's a foreign and kind of uncomfortable way of thinking for me. For most of my life, I have felt that tomorrow is not a sure thing. Like they say, there's no guarantee. This taught me to live for literally one day at a time. Whether that's good or bad, I go back and forth. I don't know. But it is what it is. So to start to think of a future is a very strange idea to me. I could still be here in six months from now, and I AM OK with that idea. I'm still trying to comprehend and wrap my brain around the concept. Like learning a new language. But a future. What does it look like? That's too broad a subject, once again. In a future, what do I look like? I imagine I LOOK very much the same. That's fine I guess. Maybe I could wash my hair a little more often? Haha I don't know. But maybe a little deeper I do know. Maybe I'm hoping for a future in which I'm taking better care of myself. I must see that as a possibility, for it to be coming up. Interesting.

So, yeah. A future. I've also been thinking about goals. And I'm seeing how a future and goals are tying in to each other.

I have a very broad goal to write more. I've had that broad "goal" for many years though. But I think about it and it's too overwhelming. I get paralyzed when I get overwhelmed. I mean really, where do you even start? So I just did nothing. Someone recently asked me what a goal of mine was. I said to write more. That sparked a conversation with the rest of the people at our table about writing and what I liked to write. I said poetry is what I used to love writing. But goodness, I haven't written a poem in a good seven or eight years. For many, many reasons I stopped writing. Suddenly though, as we were talking around the table, it FINALLY dawned on me a way to achieve my huge goal to write more is to begin by writing one poem. To start breaking down the wall I'd built between me and my goal, one brick at a time. One poem at a time.

I haven't written a poem yet. But I have written more... And I think about my poem every single day. And in this I see a future.

One last thing I've been thinking of a lot is joy. What brings me joy. My brother gave me a Joy Jar for my birthday last year. He also gave me 366 small slips of paper on which I am to write one thing a day that brought me joy. I love my Joy Jar. It's made me focus each day, which has been very hard on some days, on joy. Just joy. Pure, innocent joy. I've been doing my Joy Jar for over four months now, and I can definitely see a difference in how I look back on my days. Looking to find a joy. I find it's fun to wonder at the beginning of a day what my joy will be. It gives me something to look forward to. Just a simple joy. In every day. They're there, I promise.

So that's what's been on my mind lately. (Among a billion other things, but hahaha you get the picture.) Future, goals, and joy.

And that's what happened when I went to write a 100th post celebration.

Stream

Stream

Shhh, listen.
I will tell you
What I know.
All I know.

The rocks.
Hard. Cold.
Unmoving.
I hit them. I have to.
It hurts. It has to.
They cannot stop me.
And I make them smooth
Over time.

The wind.
Howls, swirls. Pierces.
Deafening.
It threatens at times
To break my soul.
It doesn't.
It calms, eventually.
It has to.

Dirt, mud, debris.
I do not always sparkle.
Sometimes I can't.
It is not easy
When I am meant to shine.
It slows, halts. Chokes.
I move only faster
Until I run clean.

I wind, twist, turn.
I grow stronger, I fall.
I laugh. And cry.
I wander, appear lost.
I find my way.
I shout. I whisper. To no one.
And no one hears.
And everyone hears.

And I just...
Go.

Listen. It's silent.
And I make my own path
While in silence I sing.
It is not so hard.

June 2, 2011

Notebooks

I used to carry notebooks around with me. I would write in them all the time, everywhere I went. I always had some kind of notebook with me. A place to capture emotion that I had such a hard time releasing otherwise. A place to write fantasies. Poems. I'd take my notebook to therapy, to groups I went to, to doctors visits. Anywhere and everywhere I could possibly need a moment of clarity, a moment to write. A moment to feel or a moment to let go.

For some reason, this is the last one I kept. It's dated January 2014 - August 2014.

I loved this notebook. It was my lifeline, filled with so much emotion. It was with me during some pretty shitty times. Which is kind of what I want to write about now.

Here, for example, is a sample of what this notebook contains.

So. Much. Sadness. So much grief. So much anger. I was a very, very angry human. Towards how my life had turned out thus far. I felt like such a failure. I was angry towards myself for never being able to get a handle on my depression. I was angry at the way others interacted with me. I was mad, I was sad, I was overwhelmed, I was hopeless. And I felt all alone.

But.

I don't know. The notebook ended. And I didn't get another. And I stopped writing.

But.

I am still here. I reread my teal notebook. And I AM STILL HERE. Do you have any idea how utterly amazing that is?? I hung in there. I NEVER gave up. I fought and dammit I fought hard. Even when I felt all alone in this great big universe, I fought and I stayed alive. Reading my notebooks now, I am astonished at how far I have come. And I am beyond thrilled that I CAN see how far I've come! I've overcome deep heartbreak, so much anger, and I have risen above and become a better human because of it. I have to hand it to my past self: Past Self, you are a warrior. Look at you. Against all odds and against every ounce of doubt in this world, you survived. And I am PROUD.

I can see this now because of my notebooks. I'm going to start carrying around a small notebook again. Someplace to start writing down the inner working of my brain. A poem, a rage page, words... sometimes, just words.