11:45 p.m.

I wish I had something glamorous to say. Something profound and inspiring. Some kind of wisdom or knowledge to share. Advice to give. But I don't. Instead I have tears to shed. Questions to ask. Dreams to watch shatter. Instead my heart is breaking. I can feel it burst inside me. I try to quiet my sobs in my blanket.

It's been a really bad day.

I hurt more than I know how to put into words. Every ounce of my body feels pain. My stomach hurts. My back hurts. My head hurts. My heart hurts. And thats the worst hurt of all.

I feel as if there is no good in the world for me. I feel defeated. I feel spent. I feel wiped of all good and all dreams that I once held dear. I feel forgotten. I feel empty. I feel unloved. I feel my efforts to love and be loved have been in vain.

I wish I had kidney disease, cancer, liver failure. I wish I had a disease that on its own would take me. I wish I had something that could be seen. Something that could be physically diagnosed with scientific tests in fancy laboratories.  Something that would require constant physical intervention. Something where I wouldn't have to fight alone. Something where I wouldn't be forgotten.

My cat. He keeps my heart going. If it wasn't for his dependence on me, I would have nothing to live for. I feel I have no one who needs me in their daily life. I see everyone having someone, but me. I feel so alone.

I see no reason to go on. My heart is in a million pieces on the floor right now. And every one of those pieces hurts. They ache. I ache. I hurt so much.

I see no way out of this.

Teetering

I haven't gotten out of bed for three days now. I have a box of cereal next to my bed I snack on when I'm hungry. I forget to take my pills most nights. I managed to shower last night. But I haven't gotten out of bed today.

For two and a half weeks I had company. First my sister, then my brother. It was constant go. I had to be on more than I was able. By the end I felt like I was dying. I was literally losing my ability to move. My feet were swollen to three times their normal size, my knees were stiff, my thighs wouldn't lift my legs anymore... I had pushed myself past my limits and not just mentally, but physically I was shutting down. But I had to keep going.

Now I'm crying in my bed. Feeling like I failed. Like I always fail. Always will fail. I can't function normally in society. And I teeter. Back and forth. Back and forth. What's worth it anymore? Life or death. Back and forth.

This isn't a fun place to be. Teetering on the edge like this, so often. I don't enjoy this. But I can't seem to change either. I haven't decided yet if my life is worth anything to me. And I think that's a huge part of the problem. My life is meaningless to me. I feel worthless. So what's the point in going on? In trying? I'm exhausted. Teetering back and forth between wanting to live and wanting to die. Grasping for hope and aching for relief.

This is my life. Far too often. More than it should be. Teetering.

I don't feel well today.