I was always set on the side that suicide is not selfish. I've been in those dark and scary moments, on the verge of death itself, and I know how the mindset is when suicide is your only option left. However, when I walked in to Betsy's room the afternoon of the 17th, right after I found out about Jon, seeing her all alone on their bed looking so vulnerable, my first thoughts were "How dare you." I was so mad at Jon for leaving and abandoning his family, who so desperately need him. I was surprised at my gut reaction, and wasn't sure how to handle that feeling and those thoughts. I never thought I would believe for even two seconds that suicide is selfish. Like I said, in those dark times of fighting for your life, I never felt I was being selfish. And, I still don't. I understand in the best possible way the feelings and struggles of being suicidal, and I know in that moment you aren't feeling selfish. And that's how I was able to move past those initial negative thoughts towards Jon. The ones left behind suffer, greatly suffer. We can see that. But the ones who leave us suffer too. We just don't see it anymore.
I've had multiple suicide attempts. And in that way, I am jealous of Jon. Men succeed in commiting suicide much more often than women. Looking at my life now, I'm grateful I was never successful. Things get better. But I still live in those moments, and I am jealous he succeeded in doing what I so desperately longed to do. This makes me mad. It's confusing. Looking from high up my life has smoothed out and for the most part I am doing ok. But passing judgement on myself, I should be grateful I'm still here. Should I? It wasn't that long ago I was fighting to decide whether to live or die. I ultimately chose to get help. Then I hear of suicides, and my friend Jon dies of suicide, and I am jealous. Oh to rest. To just not exist anymore. It's still so... appealing.
I'm angry that this has brought suicide back to the forefront of my mind. I was slowly forgetting about it, trying to move on. And suddenly here in front of me I have to deal with someone I loved who didn't love himself. That's hard. I stay up countless nights thinking of Jon and what was going through his head the moments before he took his life. Was he finally calm? Something about it had to feel right. I know in my dark spots I longed to feel calm. To feel at peace. And then it's over. Are you still calm? Still peaceful?
Jon was a good person. He loved his family so much. He loved and accepted me into his home when he hardly knew me. He gave life while searching for his own. I hope he has found his peace. I miss him. I miss the complete family he made. I hurt for Betsy, for Sean, and Matthew. It stings knowing he's not there anymore. I miss Jon, I'll always miss Jon.
Go. Find peace.
